Wednesday, November 28, 2007

He gone!

Various and sundry dudes--

If you come by looking for me tomorrow or Friday, Nov. 29-30, you won't find me. Oh, I'll be in my office. I just will be hiding under my desk trying to teach cockroaches how to reenact "Braveheart." Surprisingly, it hasn't been too hard teaching them to use those little swords and shields. It's trying to find horses small enough for them to impale that has me stumped.

Actually, I'll be visiting some family out of state. But I'll be back next Monday.



Christmas gifts

Hey, everybody,

Well, Christmas is here, which can mean only one thing. It's time for my grandmother to make some fruitcake Depends for my grandfather. The structural integrity of Gram's fruitcake has been shoddy the last few years, though, so that means Gramps will have to go easy on the egg nog and crystal meth this Christmas.

It's also time to start collecting money to give to C, our cleaning lady, and J, the evening floor-cleaning dude. I was thinking of giving them their cards on Friday, Dec. 14. So if you'd like to give some money to make C's and J's holidays a little merrier, please bring your cash to me by the morning of Dec. 14. Remember, it would be much better to give these folks money than my grandmother's fruitcake.



Tuesday, November 20, 2007

coffee pot

It is with great sadness that I must report one of our coffee pots is missing. This pot is more than just a container of coffee to me. It is my friend, confidant, and, yes, lover.

If you have seen the wee silver coffee pot, it would be groovy if you could let Dwight know so that we'll have it for next Monday's post-seminar social.

Stunned and hopeless,


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Reimbursement requirement

Howdy, folks--

I just found out something about getting reimbursed for meals. If you take a zombie to lunch, human brains are not reimbursable. Yet oddly enough, entrails are. Go figure.

Actually, the comptroller's office is now requiring people to submit itemized receipts for meals. Usually you get a receipt that lists all the food ordered, and then you'll get just a receipt with the dollar amount if you pay with a credit card. From now on you'd need to turn in both the itemized receipt and the receipt that shows you paid for the meal.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

job search lunches

Hey, I have a question. How come you never hear about incestual necrophiliacs?

I have another questions. Has there been enough food for you folks at the faculty search luncheons? Should we be ordering more food for these lunches.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

Coffee Break

Hey, coffee lovers!

We have a special treat for you today. We will be serving coffee in the hollowed-out carcasses of dead voles.

Actually, there's already coffee and snacks up in the L Room, so if you want to start socializing a bit early, you can head to the room now and begin coffee breaking.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Away I go

What's up, dudes--

Well, October is almost here, which can mean only one thing: it's time for me to harvest the souls of the living in order to feed my dark master. But folks here are in such good shape that I could never catch them, what with me having to lug that huge scythe and all. So I'm going to Florida, where even a walker won't help folks escape the blade honed by the fire and brimstone of the Cloven Hooved One's realm. I'll probably also visit my mom while I'm down there. In Florida, not the Cloven Hooved One's realm.

Which is my subtle way of saying I will be on vacation from Saturday, Oct. 6, until Sunday, Oct. 14. If you have any pressing problems that need to be addressed, please see me as soon as you can next week so I can crank out your task as if I were following the orders of my lord the Sulphurous One.

The Dude

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Ica Machine Still Down

When I was little, it wasn't easy to cool down in the summer because we were so poor. But with a little ingenuity, my mom would make her own popsickle treats by freezing a mixture of cough syrup and my grandfather's drool. They weren't very tasty, but they did give me a permanent fear of both getting sick and getting old.

We're having a little icy trouble of our own in department. The ice machine in the Building basement is still down for the count, and it will probably be another 5-7 working days until the thing is up and running. Until our ice machine is fixed, you can still get ice, though. Department X has graciously offered to let us use their ice machine. It's located on the second floor of Building X. If you get off the elevator on the second floor, immediately turn to your left and you'll see the ice machine in a little nook.

I need air!

When the mercury is climbing, there's only one thing that keeps me cool. A dry ice suppository. Unfortunately, I ran out, so I need to rely on air conditioning today. But for those of you who also rely on air conditioning, it may get a little warm. Facilities has to shut down the Building X air handler for about an hour to do some maintenance on it. Hopefully the system should be up and running by around 11:15 a.m.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

time off

I guess I've matured. I'm not going to say that I'm taking time off from July 18-24 to hang out with midgets, shave my back, or date a goat. I suppose my position as the grants administrator has made me more responsible, and I'm finally acting my age.

So I will be taking this time off to rest, relax, and try to train myself to stop making boom boom in my pants.

If you have anything pressing that you need me to do before I start taking my vacation next Wednesday, please get it to me as soon as possible so I can get it done by the end of the day Tuesday.

Party on,

The Dude

Thursday, July 12, 2007


I'm looking for some help in tracking down somebody. Here's the problem. I only grazed him instead of hitting the bull's eye right between the eyes, and the guy ran on me. If you know where he is, please let me know.

I'm also trying to track down who had us book a room at Wooded Isle for T.S. Could you let me know if you were hosting T.'s visit?

Danke, dudes,


J.'s real defense info

I am embarrassed. I didn't mean to imply that J.S. would plagiarize G.M.'s thesis. In actuality, J. will be plagiarizing MY thesis tomorrow and will present the talk, "The Goat: A Good Source of Meat or My Future Wife?"

No, J. will really present a public seminar on his dissertation research today, Wednesday, July 11, 2007, at 11:00 in the X Room. All are invited. The title of J.'s dissertation is, "Blah blah blah blah blah." If you would like to see J.'s dissertation, you can contact him in the W. lab (X-XXX) and he will send you a PDF copy via e-mail.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

An extra concert ticket

Who doesn't like the Police? I'm not referring to the Man--those guys in blue who take you in for murdering your neighbor by painstakingly running him through a meat grinder and don't believe you when you tell the cops that you were merely acting in self defense.

No, I'm referring to the band. This is the music that in no way foreshadowed what a wuss Sting would wind up becoming. Anyway, my friend backed out on going, and I've got an extra ticket for the concert. It's at W. F. this Thursday evening. The seats are in the upper deck, but who cares where you're sitting? It's the Police on a beautiful summer night in W F. The ticket costs $54. If you're interested, please let me know as soon as possible (so I can try to find somebody tomorrow to take the ticket if nobody here wants it).

Rock on,


Sunday, May 27, 2007

seminar speaker schedule begging

That's right. I'm begging. Won't they please release the short-lived TV series "Manimal" on DVD?
Also, won't you please sign up to meet with N.F.? The main slot I need filled is from 10:30 to 11 a.m. next Monday. But it would be groovy if folks also volunteered to meet with N. "Hi diddly ho, Neighbor" F.from 11 to 11:30 or 11:30 to noon next Tuesday. The first three people who write me to take those slots will get to see me recreate my favorite scenes from "Manimal."

F. schedule

There may be some confusion involving N. F.'s schedule for next Monday and Tuesday. On one hand, many folks want to meet with him. On the other hand, I'd like to send him to a rural area and have him hang out with hobos who will sell his clothing for wine change.
Actually, I was told there was only one slot left to fill, but I see four slots open on the schedule. So I'm going to assume the schedule is correct and am looking for folks to fill those slots. If you already have claimed one of these slots, please let me know so I can put your name down on the official schedule.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


The one thing I remember most about grade school was the sound of chalk on the blackboard. Well, actually the main thing I remember was the smell of cheap perfume, ripple, and stale cigarette smoke that engulfed me every day in first grade. But what do you expect? I was 7 and couldn't afford expensive perfume.

Anyway, if you'd like to relive your youth by playing with a chalkboard, we have an old one we're trying to get rid of. Perhaps you've seen it in the Z. 1st floor vestibule leading to the basement stairs. If you'd like it, please let me know. Otherwise we'll have to toss it because the fire inspector said we can't keep the chalkboard there any more.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

global warming close-up

Word on the street is that the chiller on the roof feeing the Z. Building is down, so it might get a little stuffy in the building. Facilities is working on the problem, but they don't know how long it will take to fix the bugger. I say let it get sweltering in here. Let people beg for water! Then I won't seem so freaky when I engage in my hobby of chugging milk jugs filled with vole saliva. Speaking of which, does anybody have about 46,000 voles they can spare?

Friday, April 20, 2007

LCD projector

I remember fondly being a little boy. My mom would sit me in her lap, smile at me and say, "Your real parents hate you. They sold you to me for wine change. Now give your new mommy a hug and wax my back."

What I don't remember is who has the remote control for the LCD projector. But if you do use the remote control after the office closes, could you please leave the control in the Lillie Room in case somebody needs it the first thing the next morning? If you don't, it will be YOUR turn to wax my mommy's back. And her back makes Teen Wolf look like Yul Brenner.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Fwd: WGE: Tuesday at 4:30

Here's some fascinating reading. No, it's not porn. I'll be sending that later...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

FW: Safety Training Announcement - Spring Quarter

Not sure if you dudes got this e-mail or not, but the university is cracking down on compliance for this sort of thing. So unless you want them to break out the car battery and jumper cables on you, you may want to attend any relevant training.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I am the law here! Do not question my authority!

Ha! In the past you all used to tease me and yell cruel comments like, "Why don't you taunt ANOTHER goat," and "When you bend down to tie your shoes I can see the gerbil's tail!" And do you know why those comments are cruel? Because the truth hurts.

But now the goat is on the other foot, and I have the power to approve or reject all of your purchase order requests on grants. And you shall pay. Oh, yes. You shall pay!

But first you need to put me down as your primary approver on XXX (unfortunately you'll have to switch back and forth if you're buying stuff on grants and other accounts since Julie is approving all non-5 account orders). Wanna know how to do it? It's easy. Just go to your XXX home page and click on "Profile" in the upper right hand corner.

Next, click on "P.," which is to the right of "U.." Then click on "F.," which is to the right of "C." If I'm not listed as an approver, click "A." Type in "W." in the last name box and click search. Click the circle under "Select" to the left of my name and then click "Choose selected user." Finally, to the right of my name, click on the "P" circle, and magically I will be your main approver. It's that easy. If you have any questions, let me know. But give me a minute to tuck in the gerbil tail before I respond.

Monday, March 05, 2007

T. S. visit

There are still openings on T S's schedule for next Monday. And I still need somebody to take him to lunch. And I still need somebody to tell my sister to stop looking at me. She's looking at me! Tell her to stop!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

N. H. seminars

As F mentioned, there will be no N. H. seminar today. But not to worry. I'm not wearing any pants. No. Wait. You shouldn't worry because there are lots of other N. H. seminars coming up this quarter and spring quarter. I've attached the lists for your reading pleasure.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

R.W. Seminar

R W, Dept. of X, University of X, will present the seminar "New Insights into Evolution of Cereal Genomes" next Monday, Jan. 22, at X:XX p.m. in XXX. I'm assuming he'll be talking about the project to map all of Capt. Crunch's genes.

There's are only a few openings left on his schedule, so please let me know if you would like to meet with him between 10 a.m. and noon. Sorry students, but no cereal for lunch for you this week since I already have the lunch slot filled.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Change in the Monday seminar routine

Well, it's a brand new year, which means it's time for a few changes. The biggest change of course will be my decision to open a school to train epileptics to give circumcisions.
Besides that, we are completely changing the schedule for the Monday seminar series. The seminars will still be held in XXX. But starting next Monday, Jan. 8, we will have our pre-seminar socials at X:XX p.m. instead of X:XX p.m. in the XXX Room. The seminars will now start at X:XX p.m. instead of X:XX p.m. And why did we move things around? Because at X:XX-ish p.m. immediately following the seminars we will have a post-seminar social in the XXX Room so folks can discuss what they heard at the seminars. And what will make this post-seminar social so enjoyable? Free beer and cheap, salty snacks! Yes, nothing goes together better than alcohol consumption and science.
FYI, our first speaker for the quarter will be Dr. JK.