Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Workshop

Hey, Studes--

The first snow of the season is poised to hit us today, which can mean only one thing: frozen hobo slushies for everyone! Of course that's only if the flesh doesn't thaw when I dump the bodies in the wood chipper.

Unrelated to snow is the attached announcement for some sort of workshop. The first 20 attendees will get free hobo slushies.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Christmas moolah needed

Holiday greetings, y'all--

Boy, can you believe it's almost December? That means one thing: my crazy uncle will probably get arrested again for stealing Salvation Army kettles in order to finance his addiction to platypus-skin ascots.

I guess it also means it's time to collect money to make the holidays a lot more enjoyable for ...

Ho ho ho,

Dude

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Workshop

Studes--

Thanksgiving always reminds me of those special things I experienced as a child. The aroma of the turkey cooking in the oven. Getting up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade on TV. And of course the blood. Dear god! So much blood!

To help clear your mind of any such memories, you can attend this workshop the day before Thanksgiving.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Workshop

Studes--

Dang, can you believe that it's almost Thanksgiving? That means I'm really going to have to start preparing for the holiday right now if I'm going to find enough used heroin syringe needles to stuff my turkey. Of course I don't know why I even bother because I'm sure nobody will show up to dinner. Again.

But you can get some pre-holiday excitement going if you attend the workshop detailed in this forwarded e-mail.

Bon Apetit,

Chef Dude

Monday, October 25, 2010

Workshop

Hi, Studes--

Do you know what I love most about attending science workshops? I'd have to say it's that moment right after I hand out the pork fat necklaces and right before I lock the doors and release the rabid pit bulls. Either that or it's the free bottled water.

Anyhow, you can find out what YOU love the most about attending science workshops if you go to the one in this forwarded e-mail.

Cheers,

Dude

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Workshop

Greetings, Studes--

When you see the attached e-mail with the name Brian Wilson in it, I'm sure you'll think of one thing: Why am I getting an e-mail from that weird guy who lances boils into ice cream cones? Man, you just need to let that whole ice cream cone thing go. After all, the driving creative force behind the Beach Boys forgave the boil lancer years ago. Anyway, whichever Brian Wilson you're thinking of, enjoy the e-mail...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Workshop

Studes--

Well, it was a weird trip to Florida. I got a severe sunburn which led to the growth of a weird mole that looks exactly like an M.C. Escher illustration. This could cause a problem because I'm confident a dermatologist wouldn't know where the mole starts and where it ends. Yet I can't stop staring at it. Damn you, Escher mole!

But I digress. Here's another e-mail about an environment workshop.

Suffering from an eschernoma,

Dude

Friday, October 08, 2010

Hurricanes, here I come

Greetings, y'all--

Well, October is here, which means one very important thing--it's time for my weird Uncle Ronnie to dress his scalp cysts in little Elvis Presley jumpsuit costumes for Halloween.

On a less important level, October is also going to bring my annual autumnal trip to Florida to visit my mother so she can yell at me about my hair length and question me about when I'm going to get married and give her grandchildren.

A hunk-a, hunk-a burning cyst,

Dude

Monday, September 13, 2010

U.S. mail delivery

Good day to you, my mailing amigos--

Did you know it's illegal to ship a severed hobo head via U.S. mail? Yet oddly enough you can sew several severed hobo heads in the body cavity of a whole dead hobo, and that's okay. Go figure.

If you want to mail anything via U.S. mail, please keep in mind that the mail should be in the office by 3 p.m. if you want it to be dropped off in the mailbox that same day.

- Dude

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Purchasing

Good morning, consumers--

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with the purchasing system, it's that you can't use it to pay a dude to kill your brother-in-law because he borrowed your blender for 2 frickin' weeks and still hasn't returned it.

I've also learned that most folks still have not updated their profiles. If you aren't sure how to update the shipping address, please swing by my office and I'll hook you up. All it will cost you is a new blender. Or the name of a cheap hit man.

Cheers,

Dude

Monday, August 09, 2010

U.S. mail

Greetings, y'all--

Did you know that you could fit a human being in one of the mailbox slots outside the office? But only if you use the puree button.

Some of you also may not know that you have a mailbox. Outside the main office is a series of mailboxes. Some of the boxes are pretty full, so it would be groovy if we could empty out the boxes to make room for more body parts, er, I mean mail.

Thanks,

Dude

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Freedom!

Hello again--

When summer is in full swing, sometimes I feel so happy that I start singing. But it turns out that the people in the nursing home don't like it when I creep up to their beds with a bullhorn and start belting out Sex Pistols tunes. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd think anybody hooked up to a dialysis machine would love to hear a live rendition of "Anarchy in the UK."

Also when summer is in full swing, I dig taking some time off. So I will be off all next week. I'll be returning to work on Monday, Aug. 9. So if you have any pressing issues, please let me know today if possible so I can take care of things before the end of the day tomorrow.

God save the queen, she's not a human bein',

Dude

cleaning concerns

Greetings, haters of filth--

A clean building is very important for scientists. And the reason for that is because we want our rats, mice, and cockroaches to have pristine feet.

If you have any problems or concerns regarding the upkeep of the buildings, could you please let me know?

Thanks,

Dude

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Final Workshop

Studes--

As we approach the first holiday of the summer, we should not forget what's really important: pressuring the government to create a federal holiday honoring the guy who created the name Eggos for those delicious waffles!

I guess we also shouldn't forget the final workshop.

Ready for some syrup,

Dude

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Workshop

Studes--

Whenever it gets really hot outside, I like to remember when I was a child and my uncle would take me and my sisters to work with him. It was nice and cool there, and my uncle said we could eat whatever we wanted. I spent many a happy hour as a child in that morgue.

You may be able to stay cool if there is air conditioning wherever this global workshop is being held. Enjoy!

Dude

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Env Studies Position

Studes--

Sometimes I wake up at night screaming. Then I come to my senses and realize it's because I'm getting punched in the face by my neighbor while I'm standing in his kitchen. Luckily this forwarded e-mail isn't going to make me scream any time soon.

Enjoy,

Dude

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Distinguished Lecture

Studes--

Boy, this rain is really bringing me down. I need something to cheer me up. Perhaps going to the cemetery right before a funeral and standing next to an open grave with a napkin tied around my neck and a knife and a fork in each hand would perk me up. Or else I can glean some sort of satisfaction by sending you this announcement.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Green Conference

I am sending this e-mail to encourage you to join me in my fight to get the Food and Drug Administration to declare nose hair as a new food group. I am also sending this e-mail to forward another one of those conferences to you.

Bon apetit,

- Dude

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Workshop

Studes--

The sunshine. The blooming flowers. The desire to skin a dead hobo and use the hide to make a pair of festive Cinco de Mayo lederhosen. These are all signs of the spring. Another sign of spring is this forwarded workshop e-mail.

Enjoy,

Dude

Disregard copier collating tip

Hi, photocopying afficianados--

Please disregard my e-mail from last week explaining how to collate with the new copier in the basement. It seems the "expert" from the company doesn't even know how to operate his own machine. So if you try to make collated copies as he suggested, you'll still get two copies of each page come out one after the other. It's just that each set of the same page will be offset from the set of pages that print before that set. If and when Braniac lets us know how to collate correctly, I'll let you know.

Cheers,

Dude

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Workshop on the Glbl Env

Studes--

On rainy spring mornings, I like to sip apple cider while listening to classical music. Then I think of all the great things about life that I am grateful for. Then I shave my neighbor's dog and glue live mice to the pooch just to see if my neighbor notices. I'm guessing she doesn't notice since it is a seeing-eye dog.

Then I like to forward a workshop announcement to you. So my work here is done.

Party on,

Dude

Monday, April 05, 2010

Vacation correction

Hello again--

I was so giddy thinking about Potsie eating rotting flesh that I goofed up the dates of my vacation. I will actually be leaving this Wednesday, and will return to work next Wednesday. Sorry for the confusion. But I'm not sorry for that damned Potsie!

Cheers,

Dude

He gone!

Greetings, y'all--

What could be better than experiencing 80-degree weather in the beginning of April? For sure it would be burying Anson Williams--the guy who played Potsie on "Happy Days"--beneath a mound of festering, rotting Easter hams and watching him eat his way out. But what also would be good is going to Florida for a week, which is what I will be doing starting this Wednesday. I'll be returning to work next Wednesday. So if you have any pressing issues, please contact me today or tomorrow so I can try to take care of them before I leave.

Party on, rotting ham style,

Dude

Monday, March 15, 2010

Glbl Wkshp

Studes--

It's Tuesday, which means I've come to work wearing my favorite pork loin pants. Oh, sure. The maggots do tickle a little bit, but at least that keeps my mind off the stray dogs that chased me to the bus stop this morning. And the homeless guy who was licking my pant legs. And the schizophrenic homeless guy who told started screaming that the maggots were telling him to kill.

Luckily I can keep my mind off my meat pants woes by forwarding this e-mail to you.

Feeling both hungry and repulsed,

- Dude

Monday, March 01, 2010

Global Env Wksp

Studes (a.k.a. student dudes)--

With the start of another work week comes the responsibility of knowing that it is up to me to spend every waking moment striving to bring peace and love to the world. And if that doesn't work, then I can also fall back on my other responsibility, which involves sniffing model glue and imagining that Betty White is dressed like a Las Vegas showgirl with fishnet stockings on her walker.

But I digress. Here's another one of those Global Workshop e-mails.

Cheers,

Dude

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Global Env Wksp

Dudes--

If you're like me, you like to ease into the weekend by slipping into some comfortable clothes, cracking open a cold one, and crocheting ascots using your chest hair. It's a lesson I learned years ago from my grandmother, and it has served me well.

And also if you're like me, you like to forward Workshop announcements. Enjoy!

Hairless in Seattle,

Dude

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Global Env. Wksp

Greetings --

Maybe it's just me, but I think we need to support our own! So that's why I'm forwarding this workshop announcement for a talk being given by G. M. So attend this talk and show him your support! Also, bring pitchforks, torches, and bludgeoning tools so that you can attack G. if you disagree with anything he says. I don't think you'd be out of line to disembowel him even if he makes a grammatical error.

Realizing that rather than being a buddhist I'm a cold-blooded monster,

Dude

Monday, February 08, 2010

revised wksp schedule

Entities--

Do you know what I love about Monday? It's a fresh start. The week is open to all possibilities for everyone. Well, everyone except that cheerleader I have tied up in my closet. And even then, I'll be giving her the weekly hosing down she gets every Monday. I just hope I don't get any water on my favorite t-shirts.

Anyway, Monday is also one of any number of days in which I get to forward you e-mails like this one about some sort of global workshop. Enjoy!

Cheers,

Dude

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Workshop Schedule

Howdy, students of science--

Whenever I'm in the midst of a snowstorm, I find the main thing that gives me the drive to face the wrath of winter is my never-ending desire to watch amoeba porn. Whenever I witness mitosis and that hot protzoan movement by protoplasmic flow, I am heated to the core. Hubba la hubba la hubski!

What else gives me the drive to face the wrath of winter is forwarding these e-mails to you. Hopefully you, too, will feel the warmth!

Cheers,

Dude