Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Holiday Pot Luck is a go!

Greetings, holiday lovers--

So the Departmental Holiday Pot Luck party is a go. We are going to gather this Friday, Dec. 5, at 3:40 p.m. in the L Room (there is a class in the room until 3:30, so I figured we'd give folks time to clear out before we start setting up the vittles). I suppose it would be a good idea to both list some of the needs for the party since the department can't supply any money to get stuff. Things we need are:

Food (either entrees or side dishes)
Fluids (wine, beer, soda, water, etc.)
Plates, napkins, and utensils

If you could e-mail me to let me know what you plan on bringing, that would be good so that we know everything is covered and so we don't have duplicate supplies. i will be bringing the following:

A dish of chick peas, feta, roasted red peppers and olives in a very garlic-y dressing and pita bread
18 beers (Becks, Stella Artois, and Peroni)
2 coolers
boom box and Christmas music
3 drunken elf hookers

I hope lots of folks can attend so that we can embrace the true meaning of the holiday. Not going into debt, but folks getting together and taking the time to share with each other.

Party on,


A different kind of holiday gathering

Ho ho ho, dudes--

When times were lean back when I was young, my parents would still find ways to celebrate the holidays. We would make each other gifts. We would decorate one of our trees outside. And we would feast on one of Grandma's numerous cysts while singing, "It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Cystmas."

Since times are lean here as well and the department won't be having our usual holiday party, I thought I'd check with folks to see if anyone would like to have some sort of pot luck gathering. I figure if folks are up for it, we can pick a day and time to gather in the L Room. Since there will be no funding for this event, it would be up to everyone to bring something to share. It could be a main course, a side dish, a dessert, or some sort of liquid (like wine, beer, or soda).
Please let me know if anyone would be interested in participating in this and, if so, what day and time would work best for everybody. It's sad that we won't be able to have our traditional party, but I think it would be nice if everybody could still get together to celebrate the holiday season as a group. I, of course, would be more than happy to whip up a batch of cyst pudding topped with whipped phlegm.

Party on,


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Christmas gifts for cleaning folks

I love Christmas, for it is the only time of the year when I can break out my Malibu Barbie Manger. I would have followed that star across the desert, too, if I knew that the Magi were three hot chicks in bikinis. Even if the hot chicks had no joints, sported artificial hair, and were made in China. Though I would have been freaked out to look down at a crib of straw and see a baby Jesus that looks like a dwarf Ken.

Of course Christmas is also the time to thank our cleaning folks the old-fashioned way--with cold, hard cash. So I'm doing the annual collection of money to give to C, our always vigilant daytime cleaning lady, and J, our festive, nocturnal floor-cleaning guy. Please stop by my or Connie's office to drop off your donations if you are so inclined.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check out eBay to see if I can find a G.I. Joe Stations of the Cross set.

Ho ho ho,


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Another Global Workshop email

To celebrate Election Day in the most patriotic way possible, I'm going to get a big bottle of ripple and a big tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, dress up my hand to look like Betsy Ross, and let my freak flag fly. I'm also going to forward this awesome e-mail about some sort of global workshop. Trust me, you'd be much better off checking out the forwarded e-mail than checking me out.


Monday, October 27, 2008

I'm baaack

Greetings all--

Well, I have returned from Florida. Things did not go as planned. I had hoped to find a geriatric sugar momma to take care of me, and I thought I had found a nice, kinky one. But when I told her I couldn't find a store that sold black leather Depends, she threw me to the curb. And broke her hip in the process.

Anywho, I'm back to work, so come on by if you need me to take care of any chores that have built up in the last week.



Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Temporarily blowing this popsickle stand

Ah, autumn. It's one of my favorite seasons. And perhaps my favorite part of fall is walking around on a crisp day and smelling the soothing scent of burning leaves mixed with the aroma of roasting tumors that have been removed from my lungs as a result of breathing in so much burning leaf smoke. And you haven't tasted a slice of heaven until you've tried one of my tumor smores. Not to blow my own horn--which I can't do anymore because so much of my lungs has been surgically removed--but I don't know anybody who can melt tumors perfectly like I can. Delish!

Autumn is also the time when I visit my mom in Florida so I can hear her complain yet again about why I haven't given her any grandchildren. Which is a lie, because I've given her plenty of grandchildren. They just weren't MY children. A little candy and a rag-ful of ether is all you need to give your mom all of the young'uns she can handle. I will be away from work Oct. 17 and will return to work on Oct. 27. So if you have any pressing issues you would like me to address, please let me know as soon as you can.

Adios, dudes,


Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Fwd: Fwd: Wksp on the Global Env, Wednesday, 4:30

At long last, here's an e-mail that answers the question, "Why was Dude hanging out in a school yard while wearing only a g-string made of live cockroaches?"

Okay, nothing can answer that question, except maybe my therapist. And the guy that sells me cockroaches. But you may find this e-mail of interest.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bathroom etiquette

I like to pride myself on good manners and proper hygiene. That's why I always make sure my head lice use deodorant and wear ties. Though you have no idea how hard it is to find roll-on deodorant small enough to fit under a louse's pits. Yet oddly enough I have no problem finding the tiny ties.

Anywho, there have been a few complaints about the first floor men's room. One complaint is that at least one person seems to be hosing himself down with water from the sink and leaving lots of water on the bathroom floor. As a courtesy to the other users--and in order to prevent somebody from wiping out on the wet floor--it would be groovy if folks could refrain from getting lots of water on the bathroom floor.

Perhaps more disturbing is that at least one person has been throwing used toilet paper in the garbage can in the stall instead of throwing the toilet paper in the toilet. While we had problems in the past with folks clogging up the toilet by throwing too much toilet paper in there, I think all of the users of the washroom would appreciate it if the nasty paper got flushed instead of being put on display. Though it could be that somebody is merely expressing themselves artistically by kicking it fecal Jackson Pollock-style.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to perfume my fleas...


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I am Gonesville, daddy-o!

Howdy, gang--

Well, if it's almost the end of July, that can mean only one thing. General Mills is going to pay me handsomely to find an inexpensive way of creating crack-filled marshmallows to include in "Frosted Lucky Charms." I already have the commercial in my mind: "Green clovers, yellow moons, orange stars, and new blue crack pipes! Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically addictive!"

I will be working on this very special project while canoing through a canyon in southern Utah (I hope Mormons don't play the banjo), so I will be out of e-mail contact from this Saturday, July 26, through Sunday, Aug. 3. I won't be back to work until Monday, Aug. 4, so please let me know before this Friday if there's anything pressing that you need.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hunt down that speed freak leprechaun.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Smoke in the building. Fire in the sky.

There are two possibilities. Either somebody's found a witch and has set her afire before she had the chance to turn us all into newts. Or else somebody is smoking in the Z Building. Quite frankly I'm rooting for the witch burning, because nowhere have I found a warning from the Surgeon General telling us that it's dangerous to inhale second-hand witch smoke.
Regardless, we received a complaint from someone who smelled cigarette smoke in the building. If someone has been smoking in the building, please be considerate of others and refrain from puffing indoors. While it's illegal to smoke cigarettes in a public building, I don't know if it's illegal to burn witches in a public building. But to play it safe, you may want to confine your witch burning to outside as well.



Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Good news for department folks

In these bleak times, I'm sure we're all sick of hearing about war, gas prices, the bad economy, and the horrifying reality that the guy who played Huggy Bear on "Starsky and Hutch" is not a rich man who would be able to lavish me with money and gifts if I became his concubine. So here's some great news:

After a long dry spell with receiving grants, we have had some recent success. Congratulations to J, C, M, J, and I for all getting new research support! Now if only there were some way to legally use grant money to support concubines...

Friday, June 06, 2008

Fellowships and dissertation grants

Howdy postdocs and students--

Two things have occurred to me. One is that I think I forgot to take the kittens out of the oven this morning. The other is that you may not know what to do if you are planning on submitting fellowship or dissertation improvement grant applications. We are working on a department handbook that will explain stuff like this, but the handbook may take some time to get out.

So for now I thought I'd let you know briefly what you need to do if you want to apply for a grant or fellowship............................. BLAH BLAH BLAH ........................................... If you have any questions about submitting applications, just let me know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to search the internet for some recipes for burnt kitten pie.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Fwd: Wksp, Tomorrow, 4:30!


I wanted to ask you something. Does this look infected?
Also, do you guys want to keep getting these workshop e-mails? I don't mind forwarding them to you, but I don't want to be sending you e-mails that are as bothersome as an oozing sore on my palm that looks sort of like a stigmata, providing a stigmata looks like a wound created by a very angry gerbil.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wksp, Friday, noon!]

Howdy, students--

When it's a rainy, gloomy morning, I find the one thing that cheers me up is stringing piano wire neck-high along the jogging path on the lake front. As a wise man once said, when the wire connects, they'll wear their hats on their necks. The other thing that cheers me up is forwarding another workshop announcement. So enjoy the e-mail. And don't go jogging today.


Friday, April 25, 2008

Xerox machine

The xerox machine in the basement seems to be periodically making a grinding noise. At first I thought it may have been caused by all of those baby gerbils I stuffed in the toner cartridge. Anyway, don't be alarmed by the horrific noise. The machine is still working, though there are some streaks and smudges that appear on the copies. I have called Xerox to get a repair guy here, but he won't be able to make it until Monday.

Sorry for the inconvenience. And for the squeaking gerbils.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Fwd:Fwd: WKSHP

While I was on vacation, I thought alot about life. I thought that perhaps there is a god who created the universe and who created us in His likeness. Then I drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol and realized I was throwing up blood. It was then that I realized that if there were a god who created me in His likeness, then god is a dude who lives in a trailer and suffers from the DTs every morning.

God told me I should forward this e-mail to you. God also told me to buy more rubbing alcohol. Sweeeet!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Meet the new folks!

Who doesn't love to party? I know I do. Especially if the party involves rubbing alcohol, tainted yogurt, and a few shaved yaks dressed as Las Vegas show girls. We're having trouble rounding up the yaks, but I'm sure folks will still have fun if they attend a wee gathering this afternoon to meet new people in the department. We will be serving tasty fluids and snacks in the L Room today from 3 to 4:30 p.m.

This is going to be an occasional thing--probably once every quarter. Since it seems like we always have folks coming and going, we figured it would be nice to give everyone in the department a chance to meet the new people in our department and make them feel welcome. So please join us in greeting the new blood. And if you have a spare yak sitting around, please bring it with you.

Oh, some new people may be so new that they have not been put on the mailing list. So if you have any new people in your lab, please let them know about today's festivities.

Party on,

Administrator and Yak Afficianado

Monday, March 10, 2008

Gotta get it out

If I wanted to get into the Z Building after 4:30 p.m., what would I do? I would try something subtle like wrapping my dwarf in heavy chains and throwing him through a window. But if you don't have a dwarf or any heavy chains, then you should use your key to enter the south door (the one in the breezeway between Z and E).

Thursday, February 28, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday, 4:30!]

I bet you're asking yourself, "Hey, when is Dude going to forward another Workshop e-mail to me?" If it's any consolation, the question I'm asking myself is, "How many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a hobo? I know! I'll ask Mr. Owl! And if he doesn't know the answer, so help me I will bitch slap that dumb beak right off his face!"

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

paying for mail

Greetings, people of science--

So the comptroller's office has been urging all of the departments on campus to make sure costs for grants are allocated correctly (so that we don't get in big trouble if there's ever an audit by one of the funding agencies). The point of this is to make sure that we use grant money to pay only for work associated with a specific grant.

How does this affect you? Well, you can make sure that you accurately charge supplies to the correct grant when you are ordering stuff. But the main reason I'm sending this is to let you know that you should specify what account you would like to use to pay for your postage. If you are dropping off a letter to be mailed, please indicate what account you would like to use to pay for the letter. And when you give D something to be sent via Federal Express or UPS, please let him know what account you want to use.

I suppose I should add something weird here since folks expect zany e-mails from me. But I'm not going to do that. I'm much too mature for that. And Lord Zebox, the invisible dwarf king of the realm of Pillow Pants, has vowed to eat my soul if I try to send any zany e-mails anymore.

All hail Lord Zebox,

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

breezeway entrance problem

I'm sure some of you may be having problems getting into the Building door in the breezeway between Z and E. A new key reader was installed yesterday, but it's a little temperamental. So until the swipe card system gets activated, here's what you need to do to get into the building:

1. Hop up and down on one foot and spend an hour doing an impersonation of Mel from the '70s sitcom "Alice"
2. Try your key in the reader several times. There doesn't seem to be any specific technique that works. But if you try your key a couple of times, eventually the reader should work. It took me a few tries to get it to work, but eventually perseverance paid off.

Monday, February 25, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp: Thursday 4:30!]

Ah, Monday mornings! Nothing starts the work week out quite like sipping some coffee, forwarding a science e-mail, and trying to teach my head lice to perform "Cabaret." Now this is totally unofficial right now, but I'm try to negotiate with Liza Minelli to let me use some of her lice to perform on my scalp. She hasn't been working much lately, and you'd be surprised what she will agree to do for a half-eaten container of Cup o' Soup and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Monday, February 11, 2008

coffee break

Hey, we're trying something new for coffee break today. We're going to slake our thirst on the blood of the innocent rather than have coffee and tea.

Actually, we're trying a new brand of coffee because it seemed like folks weren't going to town on the last brand we used. Please let us know if you dig this new coffee or if you'd rather sip the blood of the innocent. Coffee break will be at 3:30 today in the L Room.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30

Whenever I'm asked to forward these e-mails to you, it reminds me of when I was young and my mother used to say, "If I knew who your father was, I'd have him tie you up in a sack and push you in the river. Now get me my bottle of diet pills and that bottle of peppermint schnapps!"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Thursday, 4:30]

This is getting ridiculous now. If I'm gonna keep forwarding these messages, I better be getting something out of the deal. Besides these crazy Nicole Ritchie inflatable dolls they keep sending me. Every time I put my finger in the mouth hole, the doll throws up.

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp ]

Again I am asked to forward a message to you. This is the sort of thing that made my dad shave his head, carve a swastika in his forehead, and start his own catering company called "I Was Only Following Hors d'oeuvres."

Monday, January 14, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30]

I was told that if I forwarded this all departmental students, I would be rewarded with world peace. Well, that and a nude photo of Bea Arthur feeding a bear with a salmon dangling from her mouth.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp Tomorrow!]


Some lunatic told me that if I didn't forward this e-mail to you, he would grill up my St. Bernard and feed it to Rosie O'Donnell. Which I thought was very nice because Rosie usually eats dogs raw.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Xerox machine

Are you looking for the Xerox machine upstairs? Answer me! Are you?! Don't look away! It's nothing to be ashamed of. At some point in every person's life, they seek the comfort, warmth, and toxic toner fumes of a good copier. So if you'd like to use the upstairs copier, it's now right in the main office instead of down the hall outside my door. This makes things easier for you, but now I have to huff my own toner cartridge in order to get my lungs and brain to bleed in that special way that makes the lights dim and my mouth foam.

Friday, January 04, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Workshop]

What's up, home slices? I'll tell you what's up. This random announcement I was asked to distribute to you all. What's also up is my body temperature after I started a nice, warming fire by igniting a pile of hobos. Life is good!


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

It's all me

Howdy, y'all! Thanks to a combination of scheduled days off and sickness, it looks like nobody else is going to be in the office but me today. So don't panic if you come in the office and don't see anybody there. Just come on down to my office if you need any help.

Since I'm the only one here, do not question my authority! I am the law here! The floggings will continue until morale improves! Actually, since I'm the only one here today, there will be a few times when I'll have to close down the office. I'll be heading out for checks around 9 a.m., so the office will be closed for about 15 minutes. I also have a very important meeting at 10 a.m., so I 'll probably be gone for about 20-25 minutes or so. And at some point in the afternoon I'll have to drop off the mail, so I'll be gone about 15 minutes for that, too. But otherwise I'll be here until at least 5:30 tonight. So party on!


final call for cleaning folk cash

I'd like to give Cand J their Christmas loot tomorrow, so this is your last chance to donate some cash. So far we have collected $441 for C and $241 for J. We usually give C around $500 each year, so we're pretty close to that goal. If we hit it, I'm going to do my Jerry Lewis impersonation and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone." Then I'm going to be rude and overbearing while making silly noises as a cigarette dangles from my upper lip. Which is pretty much how I act after having a few too many cocktails.