Friday, December 29, 2006

office closing

I believe it was the Greek philosopher Thales of Miletus who summed it up best when he said, "Why do I always wake up in an alley on New Year's Day wearing only a loin cloth made of dead marmots and lark's vomit?" In order to answer this question, the office staff will be conducting our own research into the matter when we follow suit with the D.O. and close at 2 p.m. today. And by the office staff conducting research, I mean me and my pet lark Karen Carpenter.

Everybody have a righteous New Year's, and I hope to see some of you in the alley on Monday morning.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

vacation, yo

What does Florida have to offer besides all the colostamy bags you can drink? Well, my mother. I will be visiting her for Christmas, so I'll be away from work starting Wednesday and returning to work on Thursday.

Congrats again to G

I just wanted to offer my congratulations again to G for his promotion. The promotion is a great achievement for G as well as a wonderful reflection of the hard work our faculty, postdoctoral researchers and graduate students do in the name of science. (Any work I may do, however, is in the name of Gus, that weird dude who sleeps behind the Staples store in my neighborhood and has the wicked, pimped-out shopping cart I've ever seen)

Department Christmas Gathering

Just a reminder that Department folks will be gathering at J's today starting at 5 p.m. to have a few holiday cocktails. Please join us. I'm not promising anything, but if I get enough Guinness in me I just might belch Handel's "Messiah" in its entirety. And if you give me enough White Castles I could probably pull off a unique rendition of "Carol of the Bells."

Your Seminar


I thought I'd pester you all to get the titles for your seminars for the Winter Quarter so I can print out the flyers. So throw me a frickin' bone. I need the info. (For full effect, say those last two sentences aloud like Dr. Evil).

Monday, December 11, 2006

Gimme the money and nobody gets hurt

Sorry to be a pest, but money has been trickling in for the janitor and the floor cleaning dude. I'd like to give them their moolah this Friday, so now is the time to really dole out the cash. More importantly, if you pony up some cash then I can stop acting like one of those strokes on the PBS fund drives.

Monday, November 27, 2006

It's time to collect money for the cleaning folks

Well, the Christmas season is here, which means it's time for one thing: spiking my family's egg nog with a harmless mega-dose of liquid LSD and donkey laxative.

But that's not all. it's also time to collect money for C our cleaning lady and for the floor cleaning dude whose name I still don't remember. I'd like to give C and Dude their cash-filled cards by Dec. 15, so please give what you can. You can give your donations to me. And even though donkey laxative is surprisingly expensive, you can rest assured that every penny of your donation will go to C and Dude.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

fridge up for grabs

My grandfather used to say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't shave it, put it in a sun dress and flip flops, put lipstick on it, bring it to Christmas dinner, and trick your in-laws into thinking it's your wife while your wife is really at home waxing the kittens." But then we'd give Gramps his medication, and he wouldn't say that for a few days.

What does that have to do with the purpose of this e-mail? Nothing whatsoever. We have an old fridge in the basement of the Zoology Building (it's next to the ice machine) that we have to get rid of. Can anybody use it in their lab? If not, then it may make a good spare fridge for somebody's garage. If you'd like the fridge, please let me know as soon as possible so we can get that thing out of here. Of course I could always put a sun dress and flip flops on it since Christmas is just a few months away...

Speaker's schedule

There are still three open slots on the Speaker's schedule next Tuesday, Nov. 28. These slots are:

9:30 to 10 a.m.
10:30 to 11 a.m.
11 to 11:30 a.m.

Please to let me know if you'd like one of these very valuable slots. Otherwise I'm gonna put them on eBay and totally make enough money to retire early. And if I retire early, good luck finding another office toady who comes to work every day with squids in his pants.

Office closing early on Wednesday

In keeping with the rest of the BSD, the main office will be closing at 2 p.m. tomorrow, Wednesday. Tomorrow is pay day for biweekly employees, so please come to the office before 2 p.m. to get your checks.

I can't speak for the rest of the office staff, but I know I will be utilizing my time tomorrow preparing for Thanksgiving in a very traditional way, by juggling rabid wombats while singing the theme from "The Brady Bunch" in Sanskrit.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Party til you puke, holiday-style

At long last the details have been set for the E&E/OBA/CEB/BSD holiday party, so here's the deal. The party will take place from 7 to 10 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 6, in the Stanley Field Hall balcony of the Field Museum.

I'm sure you have many questions about the party, so here are some answers for you...

1. How will I get to the party?

Well, we will have shuttle buses running from the Hull Court Archway on 57th Street to the Field Museum and back again. The first bus leaves at 6:30 p.m., and the second bus will leave at 6:45 p.m. From that point on, buses will leave from the archway every half hour. However, if you would prefer to drive, the Field Museum parking garage will be open. It will cost you $15 to park, however. But fear not. The shuttle bus as well as the party are free.

You should enter the museum at the south main entrance. Museum staff will greet you and direct you to the festivities.

2. What will be served?

On the fluid front, there will be beer, wine, and soda. It hasn't been determined yet, but there may be hard liquor as well. As for food, I've attached a menu.

3. What will there be to do at this here event?

Besides eating, drinking, and being merry, you also will have access to the Evolving Planet exhibit if you feel like checking out that bad boy.

4. What do you have to do to get in on this event?

You do need to RSVP to me by the end of the day this Wednesday, Nov. 22.

5. What will Jeff be wearing to this event?

Just a reminder that Jeff, along with other folks in the department, will be attending the E&E Bulls game outing this night. So if you are going to attend the Bulls game, please do not RSVP for the party. But I will be wearing a blue chiffon evening dress, Ann Taylor shoes, and a sequined Go Bulls nerf glove.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Time cards due early

Thanksgiving means many things to me. A time to enjoy the company of family. The opportunity to give thanks for the many blessings in my life. And a chance to once again donate a turkey filled with thumbtack stuffing to the the Watkins Home for Blind Hemophiliacs.

But more importantly, it's a time for you to submit your time cards early since time cards will be distributed next Wednesday, Nov. 22. So here's what you have to do:

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Speaker is lonely

The speaker's schedule is filled with more holes than Dick Cheney's hunting partner, and only you can help.  I'm still trying to make the schedule look respectable, which is why I need people to meet with him during the following times:

Lord knows I don't have much dignity, but don't let me lose any more (that's the job of my mother, who insists on making me shave her back hair whenever I visit her).  I'm begging you--please volunteer to meet with this dude of science.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


There have been complaints that someone has been smoking in the fourth floor hallway. I know I'm not at fault because when I drag winos up there, I douse them with enough flammable substances so they burn clean.

If by some chance you are smoking inside the building, please go outside to light your squares. Because smoking inside is naughty and morally reprehensible. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to round up a few winos...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

computer monitor in the basement hall

A computer monitor has been sitting on a fridge in the basement hallway for awhile, staring at me.  Taunting me!  With that stupid, cold, blank stare!  Damn that monitor!  Damn it to hell!

Anyway, just wondering if it's junk and can be thrown away or if somebody was just storing it there for some reason.  

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

No coffee break May 4

Bad news, caffeine-loving dudes. There will be no coffee break on May 4 because there will be a faculty meeting that afternoon. If this freaks you out too much, I can let all interested parties snort lines of Folger's instant coffee crystals off my desk.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I am so out of here!

Some people relax by going on fishing trips.  Others unwind by taking exotic vacations to Jamaica or Hawaii.  Me, I'm gonna go to Ohio to try to find the birthplace of the Cleveland Steamers.  The origins of this minor league team are murky, but I view this as my quest for the holy grail.  It will be a dirty job, no doubt, and this task has taken the spirits of many strong people and wrecked 'em.  But I don't think this will be a waste of time and I will succeed.

But if I decide that Cleveland in the springtime may be too much fun to bear, then I'll probably go to Florida to visit my mom.  I'll be leaving this Friday, April 21, and I will return to work May 1.  M will be filling in for me while I am gone, so any mailing, Fedexing, UPS or other pertinent information can be brought to her attention.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

reimbursement limits

The world is full of restrictions.  For example, I'm restricted from coming within 5 miles of my ex-girlfriend.  And all because the judge refused to believe that I wanted to give that ice pick to her as a GIFT.

But I digress.  I thought I'd remind everybody about the reimbursement limits for folks who take seminar speakers out to eat.  Here is the maximum amount the department reimburses for the following: 

Monday, March 06, 2006

pay advices

Howdy, y'all.   I just thought I'd tell you about a new way of doing things in the Department.  When shaving a yak, always wash the hair before you sprinkle it on your ice cream.

Also, from now on as a protective measure I won't be putting monthly employees' pay advices in their mailboxes.  So you'll have to come to the office starting Friday, March 31, to get your advices.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

speaker logistics

So we've got a seminar speaker coming into town in April who will be staying Downtown and wants to come to the University by public transport.  Let's just say that this professor doesn't know the city or transit routes.  Let's also say that he'll be carrying a duffle bag filled with severed heads.  Not large heads.  Perhaps they belong to midgets or something.  The important thing here is not to dwell on the size of the heads.  We need to focus, dammit!  So can anybody suggest the best way for this professor and his bag of smallish heads to get to the University.

Speaker visit

Listen up, youse mugs.  If people don't sign up to meet with the speaker next Monday, Mugsy and Lefty are gonna have to pay youse a visit, see?  And you all know how clumsy Mugsy and Lefty are.  Things accidentally get broken.  People get hurt.  I think youse get my drift.

Monday, February 20, 2006

No Seminar Tomorrow

There will be no Seminar tomorrow. Instead I will present a demonstration on gerbil juggling. It has not been confirmed yet, but we're trying to get Richard Gere to catch the rodents as only he can.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

elevator down

Elevator down! I repeat, elevator down! Dammit, we're not gonna lose this one, do you hear me?! We're not gonna lose this one!

Perhaps I'm being dramatic. Perhaps I'm being foolish. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten an entire box of Frosted Lucky Meth for breakfast. But the elevator is down. A repair dude will be coming out today.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


There are still a feces-load of slots open on the speaker's schedule next Monday. Well, there aren't that many open slots left. I just wanted to use the word feces in an e-mail. These are the openings left:

9-9:30 a.m.
9:30-10 a.m.
1:30-2 p.m.

If you want to take one of these slots, that would be about as groovy as being able to use the word feces in an e-mail.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Maybe it's the dyslexia. Or maybe it's the gallon of two-month-old milk I chugged for breakfast this morning. Whatever the cause, I had a typo in my last e-mail about the seminar. It actually will be on Jan. 30, and not on Jan. 39.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Lunch with Speaker

Well, the lunch menu survey was a tie, so that means I'm going to cast the deciding vote. And that's why I choose a bloated yak stuffed with lab mouse tumors. For desert, a simple goiter pudding topped with chest hair should do the trick.

Actually there were only a few votes, and pizza won out.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Fwd: Safety Training Announcement - Winter Quarter

Here's info on various safety training classes being offered this quarter. I would suggest you register on-line while putting a fork in an electric outlet, licking old asbestos pipe insulation, staring directly into the sun, setting up a dinner date with Robert Blake, giving yourself a mercury enema, and agreeing to donate both of your kidneys on a bet that Ryan Seacrest has an IQ higher than a bowl of wolverine saliva.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

If I'm not in the office next Monday, Jan. 16, it won't be because I'm drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster. Oh, I'll definitely be drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster, but the reason I won't be at work is because the University is officially closed Jan. 16 in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. This is the first year the University will be closing for this holiday.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


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