Darn that post office!

Hello, 

I went to the post office today and saw a sign saying that the facility was going to close permanently soon.  And oddly enough it was closed today with a sign that said there was an emergency suspension.  It may have been because of the wheelbarrow filled with ricin I was trying to cart into the facility.

Sorry for the inconvenience.  Though it is fitting that I’m using e-mail, which is probably part of the cause of the Post Office’s fiscal woes, to let you know that the local post office is closing.  Oh, irony, you are a cruel, cold mistress!

Cheers,

Dude

Game

Hi, everybody—

Now that summer is right around the corner, people’s thoughts are turning to fun outdoor festivities.  And nothing screams outdoor festivities quite as much as eating raw bacon that has been sitting in a sweltering McDonald’s dumpster for 3 days.  After hallucinating from eating too much gammy bacon, the thought arose, “Hey, let’s see if folks want to attend a baseball game.

[...]

Cheers,

Dude

I'm off. But enough about my mental state...

Greetings, y’all—

I wanted to let you know that I will be away for a vacation to Florida starting next Tuesday. So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know tomorrow so I can try to take care of everything before I head out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out the best alcohol choice for my mom to drink before I take her for her first tattoo.  I think I’ll go with her favorite—rubbing alcohol and Fresca.

Cheers,

Dude

Thanks!

Ho ho ho, everybody—

People often go above and beyond the call of duty around the holidays.  For example, against my better judgment I decided to make my insane Uncle Zed’s wish for a snuff film come true.  Unfortunately I didn’t have my reading glasses on when I ordered the DVD, so I wound up buying him “The Smurfs” film.  In my defense, there were a bunch of blue bodies on the cover and I thought they were stiffs.

Anyway, thanks to everybody who went above and beyond the call of duty in contributing money for the Cleaning Crew's Christmas gifts.  They were both extremely appreciative and gave their thanks to everybody.  So thank you all again for your generosity.  I know you made Christmas much merrier for them.

Smurfishly,

Dude

Coolers needed

Hi, everybody—

Boy, do we need coolers.  And not to try to dispose of some of Drew Peterson’s Christmas elves.  Nope, the coolers are needed to keep our fluids frigid at next the holiday party.  If you could lend a cooler for the party, I’d really appreciate it.  

Chillin’ like a villain,

Dude

Cash for the cleaning folks

Greetings, Building dwellers—

It’s almost December, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for my celebration of Use Deodorant for the First Time This Year Day.  And since I will be less foul than normal, people should be okay with coming to my office to cough up some cash for our cleaning lady and our floor-cleaning dude.  So if you are so inclined, please give what you want to help make the holidays a little brighter for them.

Ready to hit the dollar store for some Dead Vole ™ Antiperspirant,

Dude

I'm free!

Greetings, y'all--

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about all of the times my mother told me I wouldn't amount to anything in this life.  And finally I thought, "If I hadn't had my phone shut off because I spent all of my bill money on cheap vodka and Fresca, I'd call her up and give her a piece of my mind!"

Luckily I will be flying down to Florida, so I can tell my mom face to face that while my liver may be a loser, I'm a winner!  I'll be gone starting tomorrow and returning on Halloween (also known as Bloody Cranial Protrusion Day).  So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know today so I can try to take care of your issues today.

Bon voyage,

Dude

Funding

Howdy, Studes--

Who doesn't love getting funding?  I, for one, get lots of funding by harvesting organs from people I accidentally knock out with ether.  By the way, if you notice a weird smell in the room during the weekly coffee break, ignore it.

Anyway, if you could let me know if you're going to submit for funding, I'd be much obliged.

Thanks,

Dude

Consulting Service

Howdy, everybody--

I was asked to forward this consulting program announcement from the Dept. of Statistics. 
I also have a consulting program, so if you need to know how to grill hobo steaks in a way that gets rid of the scent of cheap booze and mattresses that have been tucked under expressway overpasses, I'm your guy.

Cheers,

Dude

Well I'm southbound

Howdy, y'all--

Just wanted to let everybody know that I'll be gone starting tomorrow.  Amazingly I will not be going to Florida to visit my mother.  Instead I'll be driving to North Carolina to see if I can experience my own version of "Deliverance."  Only my version is going to be even more creepy because the freaky-looking hillbilly dude is going to be playing a theramin instead of a banjo.  Now all I need to do is find a place that sells Ned Beatty masks and I'm good to go.

Ready to fuse "Dueling Banjos" with "Good Vibrations,"

- Dude