Monday, April 28, 2014

Unexpected time off

Greetings, —

Well, it looks like I’ll be taking some unexpected time off.  It turns out I guess you CAN’T legally pull into  a small town on a horse-drawn buggy and sell a rheumatism elixir made up of Gatorade, drain cleaner, and angel dust.

The first five people who respond to this e-mail will get some of my rheumatiz medicine!



Monday, April 14, 2014

I'm southbound

Greetings —

It’s time again for my annual trip to visit my mom in Florida, and I’m planning on chilling out big-time.  Which brings up a question:

If I get skin cancer from soaking up too much sun while really relaxing by the pool, would it be called a mellownoma?

Your own little ray of sunstroke,


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Beware of falling ice!

Hi, fellow haters of this crazy winter—

I just found out that a student who was walking nearby was injured very recently today by a big chunk of ice that fell from a roof or ledge.  Please be mindful when walking near buildings on campus since it’s possible that the warmer weather could loosen up snow and ice that could then fall and bust you open but good.

Hoping the dangerous threats perish from icicle cell anemia,


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Holiday Bash

Greetings, holiday revelers—

Sure, it may not even be Halloween yet.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t take a break from making my costume (I’ll be dressing up as someone who doesn’t celebrate Halloween, providing the concept doesn’t blow my own mind) to let you know that you should save the date for this year’s holiday party. 

Party on,


On the road again

Hi, everybody—

I love when my annual autumn trip to visit my mom happens in the same month as Halloween.  This year I plan on spending my entire vacation walking around in my mom’s retirement facility while wearing my Grim Reaper costume.

I will be scaring the bajeezus out of my mom’s friends starting ...



Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Time to get away

Hi, everybody—

Well, on Thursday I will begin a life-long dream: to sleep in a McDonald’s dumpster in every state of this great nation of ours.  Ah, even now I can feel the comfort of lying on a pillow of half-eaten Quarter Pounders while snuggling under a blanket of hungry rats!

All of which is to say that I will be out of the office starting Thursday.

Bon appetit and good night,

- Dude

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Baseball game

Greetings, baseballmongers—

Sorry for slacking on organizing the proposed baseball outing, but I was very busy doing volunteer work.  Some patients inside insane asylums can’t burn ants using magnifying glasses because they are in straightjackets.  That’s where volunteers like me come in.

Ready to be knocked silly with a home run ball,


Friday, June 14, 2013

A wee break


Sometimes when life gets a little too stressful, I do what most people do—curl up in a fetal position in a giant Hefty bag filled with cow placenta.  But since I’m not quite that stressed, I will just be taking a few days off.

Feeling udderly ridiculous,


Monday, May 13, 2013

Darn that post office!


I went to the post office today and saw a sign saying that the facility was going to close permanently soon.  And oddly enough it was closed today with a sign that said there was an emergency suspension.  It may have been because of the wheelbarrow filled with ricin I was trying to cart into the facility.

Sorry for the inconvenience.  Though it is fitting that I’m using e-mail, which is probably part of the cause of the Post Office’s fiscal woes, to let you know that the local post office is closing.  Oh, irony, you are a cruel, cold mistress!



Monday, April 29, 2013


Hi, everybody—

Now that summer is right around the corner, people’s thoughts are turning to fun outdoor festivities.  And nothing screams outdoor festivities quite as much as eating raw bacon that has been sitting in a sweltering McDonald’s dumpster for 3 days.  After hallucinating from eating too much gammy bacon, the thought arose, “Hey, let’s see if folks want to attend a baseball game.