Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Greetings, holiday revelers—
Sure, it may not even be Halloween yet. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take a break from making my costume (I’ll be dressing up as someone who doesn’t celebrate Halloween, providing the concept doesn’t blow my own mind) to let you know that you should save the date for this year’s holiday party.
I love when my annual autumn trip to visit my mom happens in the same month as Halloween. This year I plan on spending my entire vacation walking around in my mom’s retirement facility while wearing my Grim Reaper costume.
I will be scaring the bajeezus out of my mom’s friends starting ...
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Well,I will begin a life-long dream: to sleep in a McDonald’s dumpster in every state of this great nation of ours. Ah, even now I can feel the comfort of lying on a pillow of half-eaten Quarter Pounders while snuggling under a blanket of hungry rats!
All of which is to say that I will be out of the office starting.
Bon appetit and good night,
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sorry for slacking on organizing the proposed baseball outing, but I was very busy doing volunteer work. Some patients inside insane asylums can’t burn ants using magnifying glasses because they are in straightjackets. That’s where volunteers like me come in.
Ready to be knocked silly with a home run ball,
Friday, June 14, 2013
Sometimes when life gets a little too stressful, I do what most people do—curl up in a fetal position in a giant Hefty bag filled with cow placenta. But since I’m not quite that stressed, I will just be taking a few days off.
Feeling udderly ridiculous,
Monday, May 13, 2013
I went to the post office today and saw a sign saying that the facility was going to close permanently soon. And oddly enough it was closed today with a sign that said there was an emergency suspension. It may have been because of the wheelbarrow filled with ricin I was trying to cart into the facility.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Though it is fitting that I’m using e-mail, which is probably part of the cause of the Post Office’s fiscal woes, to let you know that the local post office is closing. Oh, irony, you are a cruel, cold mistress!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Now that summer is right around the corner, people’s thoughts are turning to fun outdoor festivities. And nothing screams outdoor festivities quite as much as eating raw bacon that has been sitting in a sweltering McDonald’s dumpster for 3 days. After hallucinating from eating too much gammy bacon, the thought arose, “Hey, let’s see if folks want to attend a baseball game.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I wanted to let you know that I will be away for a vacation to Florida starting next Tuesday. So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know tomorrow so I can try to take care of everything before I head out.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out the best alcohol choice for my mom to drink before I take her for her first tattoo. I think I’ll go with her favorite—rubbing alcohol and Fresca.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Ho ho ho, everybody—
People often go above and beyond the call of duty around the holidays. For example, against my better judgment I decided to make my insane Uncle Zed’s wish for a snuff film come true. Unfortunately I didn’t have my reading glasses on when I ordered the DVD, so I wound up buying him “The Smurfs” film. In my defense, there were a bunch of blue bodies on the cover and I thought they were stiffs.
Anyway, thanks to everybody who went above and beyond the call of duty in contributing money for the Cleaning Crew's Christmas gifts. They were both extremely appreciative and gave their thanks to everybody. So thank you all again for your generosity. I know you made Christmas much merrier for them.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Boy, do we need coolers. And not to try to dispose of some of Drew Peterson’s Christmas elves. Nope, the coolers are needed to keep our fluids frigid at next the holiday party. If you could lend a cooler for the party, I’d really appreciate it.
Chillin’ like a villain,