Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Global Env Wksp

Science Entities--

When winter refuses to release its icy hold on the city, I find there's only one way to keep my sanity: I make a tuxedo out of stem cells and then have Rush Limbaugh lick the entire outfit by telling him it's coated with Oxycontin.
I also keep my sanity by forwarding these global workshop e-mails to you.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I would like to apologize for the last e-mail I sent. I have a feeling that some of you may not have appreciated it because the last global wksp e-mail I forwarded to you also had a reference to one of my grandparent's Depends. Such repetition is unacceptable, and I will make it up to you the only way I know how: by giving each and every one of you one of my grandparents' Depends. But then I will foresake Depends humor and will forever abandon such gross humor.

Aw, who am I kidding? Without Depends humor, I am NOTHING!


Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

Rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down. But so does dreaming about having a chocolate pudding fight with Heidi Klum and waking up elbow-deep in Gramma's Depends.

Hopefully this announcement will chase those rainy blues away. Though quite frankly I'd settle for a towel...

- Dude

Friday, March 06, 2009

Death Pond 3000

Greetings, Nature Lovers--

Just wanted to let you know that facilities will be coming out, hopefully today, to clean up the victims of the fish holocaust in B Pond. So hopefully the nasty, fish-corpse-induced stank will dissipate soon.

I'll be announcing the start of the departmental fish fry shortly. Who needs federal stimulus money when we can finance our science with our own fund raising efforts. The Departmental fish fry! Where the fish are lightly battered and slightly bloated!