Thursday, December 10, 2009

cleaning folks and their cash

Hi diddly ho, neighbors--

We've been getting some good Christmas contributions for the cleaning folks, but alas we haven't hit the amount we usually give. So if there is anybody out there who hasn't donated, please swing by my office to cough up some money. If you want to cough up anything else, I can use it to make my traditional viscous nativity scene. I like to parade it around while singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethla-phlegm."



Tuesday, December 08, 2009


LCD lovers--

The LCD projector has a new bulb and has been reinstalled. But since I was breast-fed by Timothy Leary in the '60s and can't always figure out what is real, I don't know if I hooked everything back up correctly. So if you have trouble with the projector, let me know so I can try out a few other combinations of wire connections.

Tuned in, turned on, and dropped out,


Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Holiday Party

Greetings, holiday revelers--

Not to beat a dead lemur/lemming hybrid, but I thought I'd send out one final reminder about the Holiday Bash.

Also, you may have noticed a Christmas tree on the second floor of the building. We have a very meager amount of ornaments to put on the tree (we'll be putting the ornaments on tomorrow). So if you would like to donate an ornament, feel free to hang one from the tree whenever you want. I'll be hanging little buckets of kerosene on the tree while gnawing on the Christmas tree light wires, so feel free to hang tissue, old newspapers, or oily rags on the tree.

Ho ho ho,


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Office closing

Greetings, all--

Since we are like lemurs willing to walk over a cliff into the abyss, we will be following the lead of other departments on campus and will be closing the office today at 2 p.m. in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday. All university offices are closed tomorrow and Friday for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Everyone enjoy your holiday and give thanks the only way Americans know how, by stuffing our bellies to the point of bursting with the flesh of an ugly bird or an ugly non-flesh bird known as the tofurkey!

Party on,

- Dude

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Give me your money


With Christmas just around the corner, I remember all of the times my mother would take angel dust and fill our stockings with fire ants. God, I hated Christmas!

But that doesn't mean everybody should hate Christmas. Which is why I'm starting the collection of money for our cleaning lady and our floor dude. Anywho, please swing by my office if you would like to make the holidays a little more festive for them.

Still scarred from my stocking,


Monday, November 09, 2009

Ice Machine Scoop

Let's face it. Nothing tastes quite as good as a rat hair snow cone. And since both rodents and the ice machine have been known to hang out in the basement area, it's only natural that folks would want to fuse these two items together. However, somebody has been leaving the ice scoop inside the ice machine. It winds up getting covered with ice, which makes it difficult to find and remove. If folks could leave the ice scoop on top of the ice machine after icing down their tufts of rat fur, all of the users of the machine would appreciate it. Providing you let them taste your rat hair snow cone.

Monday, November 02, 2009


Science lovers--

If you want money for your research and you don't want to get it like I get my spending money--you'd be surprised at how many 80-year-old women are looking for a male gigolo with a Depends fetish--then I'm thinking you might be applying for a ....(administrative stuff)

Please let me know if you have any questions,


Thursday, October 22, 2009

a brief trip

Well, the frost is on the pumpkin, which can mean only one thing. It's time for me to participate in the annual "Trying to Milk Animals that Don't Make Milk Competition" that is run by that weird dude Larry who wears an eye patch even though he doesn't need it. I have the unenviable task of trying to milk a rabid emu this year.
But I digress. I will be off tomorrow and next Monday. So if you need anything urgent, especially if it involves a rabid emu, then please see me today.

Showering you with the milk of emu kindness,


Friday, October 09, 2009

steam shutdown

We have ourselves a steam leak in the Building, so M. is going to shut down the steam to the building tomorrow morning. The steam should be down from about 8:30 a.m. until 11 a.m. if all goes well. How does this impact you, the dweller in the Building? We will have no hot water and no heat (either from the radiators or the vents). So you may want to wear an extra layer tomorrow. Or, if you are a Star Wars geek, you can cut open the belly of a TaunTaun and crawl inside to stay warm...

storage bin

My storage bin is more than just a container to hold things. My storage bin is my friend, my confidante, and, yes, my lover. If you would like a plastic storage tub, too, come on down to the office and take it. It's free!

Friday, October 02, 2009

Fall Schedule: Workshop on the Global Environment

Dig this groovy workshop. You can have your kids make Nike shoes for a meager wage. Oh, wait. That's a sweatshop. Well, I guess this workshop might be fun, too...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hello I must be going

Well, autumn is approaching, which can mean only one thing. It's time for me to write the world's first belch opera. I have this totally wicked aria in mind that will require the consumption of at least 6 liters of Mountain Dew. It ain't over until the fat lady burps.

I will be writing my gaseous opera while visiting my mom in Florida. I will be on vacation starting Tuesday, Sept. 15, and I will return to work on Tuesday, Sept. 22. Please let me know if you have anything pressing that needs to be taken care of before I leave.



Ice Machine

Hi, everybody--

It looks like there won't be any snow cone making this morning in the main building. Not only have I run out of my favorite hobo-flavored syrup (I am currently trying to patent the extraction method once the murder charges are no longer pending), but the ice machine in the basement is not working. I think it's simply a matter of the opening where the ice comes out being frozen solid, so I have unplugged the machine to see if it will work once the opening thaws. If that doesn't work, we'll get a repair hobo out to fix the machine. I'll keep you posted...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Building stank

Greetings --

If you smell something funky in the hallways, it's not something burning. Nor is it related to me eating 10 jalepeno cheeseburgers from White Castles (which is in itself a type of burning). It's merely the stench of glue from new tile being installed on the third floor. If the smell is getting to you, you may want to open a window.



Friday, July 31, 2009

Fare thee well, Dan

Greetings, Dept. entitities--

It looks like I get to be the bearer of bad/good news. I still have that weird infection, but I didn't get it from my goat. Also, I'm sorry to let you know that "Jon", our front desk dude, is leaving us. But the good news is that he is leaving us to take a job at another university in an environment more closely connected to his background in the arts.

While "Jon"'s last official day is next Friday, his final days working here will be tomorrow and next Monday. I'd like to thank "Jon" for all of the help he has provided the department for the last year and a half or so, and I wish him well in his new gig. Feel free to stop on by the office tomorrow or Monday to wish "Jon" a fond farewell.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get some more ointment...


Thursday, June 11, 2009

e-mail scam warning

Howdy, y'all--

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who got this, but I thought I'd give everybody the heads up not to open or respond to an e-mail if the subject line is "SAV Upgrade" and the sender is "ITS". I'm sure everyone is well aware of the fact that nobody here at the university will ask you for your user name or password, but just in case there are newcomers, do not e-mail anyone that information. Unless I ask you for your bank account or credit account numbers. Don't be alarmed if you see anything on your statements showing a charge for "The Marcel Marceaucial Club," the world's first and only mime adult phone line.



Chiller down! Call 911!

Thanks to the cottonwood explosion, facilities is shutting down the building chiller to clean off all the funk. Because there's nothing worse than a funky chiller. Facilities estimates this should take an hour or so, so the chiller will be back up and running by 12:30.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Softball Beer

Fellow Teammates--

Not only am I going to attend, but I will also supply the beer. However, I don't know if I would be the best person to actually get the beer to the field since I won't get there until about 5:15, and if I had to get my car, come back to the office for the cooler, ice, and beer, and then head to the field I probably wouldn't get there until 5:25-ish. If you guys can wait that long, I'll gladly bring the beer to the field. But if somebody is cool with transporting the beer to the field, I'll bring the beer into work, get it nice and cold in the fridge, and then hand the beer off to the designated cooler lugger. Let me know your preference.

Also, does anybody know any members of Lame Team #1? They walked off with my bat last week, so I'd like to find out where they're playing this week so I can show them what happens when a team walks off with the our magic bat. Basically what happens is that I will grovel and plead with them to give me the bat. If that doesn't work, I will personally tea bag each and every one of those bastards until the bat is mine!


Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Global Env Wksp

Good morning, y'all--

I was asked to forward this e-mail. The subject line reminded me that I like to think globally but act locally. So in order to take over the world, I have to start by taking over locally. That is why I am brainwashing the ducklings in the pond. Mark my words! I WILL have those ducklings doing my evil bidding! Provided my evil bidding is limited to a small, aquatic area that flightless ducklings would have easy access to. Let my war of terror on the turtles in the pond begin! Those turtles are so going to be my bitches!



Global Env Wksp

In honor of the day after Memorial Day, I am honoring our armed forces the only way I know how: by placing merkins with life-like hair on all of my G.I. Joe dolls and then forwarding this announcement to you. Semper fi, y'all!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Global Env Wksp

Science Entities--

When winter refuses to release its icy hold on the city, I find there's only one way to keep my sanity: I make a tuxedo out of stem cells and then have Rush Limbaugh lick the entire outfit by telling him it's coated with Oxycontin.
I also keep my sanity by forwarding these global workshop e-mails to you.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I would like to apologize for the last e-mail I sent. I have a feeling that some of you may not have appreciated it because the last global wksp e-mail I forwarded to you also had a reference to one of my grandparent's Depends. Such repetition is unacceptable, and I will make it up to you the only way I know how: by giving each and every one of you one of my grandparents' Depends. But then I will foresake Depends humor and will forever abandon such gross humor.

Aw, who am I kidding? Without Depends humor, I am NOTHING!


Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

Rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down. But so does dreaming about having a chocolate pudding fight with Heidi Klum and waking up elbow-deep in Gramma's Depends.

Hopefully this announcement will chase those rainy blues away. Though quite frankly I'd settle for a towel...

- Dude

Friday, March 06, 2009

Death Pond 3000

Greetings, Nature Lovers--

Just wanted to let you know that facilities will be coming out, hopefully today, to clean up the victims of the fish holocaust in B Pond. So hopefully the nasty, fish-corpse-induced stank will dissipate soon.

I'll be announcing the start of the departmental fish fry shortly. Who needs federal stimulus money when we can finance our science with our own fund raising efforts. The Departmental fish fry! Where the fish are lightly battered and slightly bloated!



Monday, January 12, 2009

Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

I love Monday morning. It's a time of new beginnings. A time to feel refreshed while diving into new challenges. And a time to use my sister's favorite ice cream scooper to empty out my grandfather's Depends. It's also time to forward e-mails to you, so enjoy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to whip up some special chocolate ice cream cones for my stupid sister...