Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Ho ho ho, everybody—

People often go above and beyond the call of duty around the holidays.  For example, against my better judgment I decided to make my insane Uncle Zed’s wish for a snuff film come true.  Unfortunately I didn’t have my reading glasses on when I ordered the DVD, so I wound up buying him “The Smurfs” film.  In my defense, there were a bunch of blue bodies on the cover and I thought they were stiffs.

Anyway, thanks to everybody who went above and beyond the call of duty in contributing money for the Cleaning Crew's Christmas gifts.  They were both extremely appreciative and gave their thanks to everybody.  So thank you all again for your generosity.  I know you made Christmas much merrier for them.



Friday, November 30, 2012

Coolers needed

Hi, everybody—

Boy, do we need coolers.  And not to try to dispose of some of Drew Peterson’s Christmas elves.  Nope, the coolers are needed to keep our fluids frigid at next the holiday party.  If you could lend a cooler for the party, I’d really appreciate it.  

Chillin’ like a villain,


Cash for the cleaning folks

Greetings, Building dwellers—

It’s almost December, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for my celebration of Use Deodorant for the First Time This Year Day.  And since I will be less foul than normal, people should be okay with coming to my office to cough up some cash for our cleaning lady and our floor-cleaning dude.  So if you are so inclined, please give what you want to help make the holidays a little brighter for them.

Ready to hit the dollar store for some Dead Vole ™ Antiperspirant,


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm free!

Greetings, y'all--

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about all of the times my mother told me I wouldn't amount to anything in this life.  And finally I thought, "If I hadn't had my phone shut off because I spent all of my bill money on cheap vodka and Fresca, I'd call her up and give her a piece of my mind!"

Luckily I will be flying down to Florida, so I can tell my mom face to face that while my liver may be a loser, I'm a winner!  I'll be gone starting tomorrow and returning on Halloween (also known as Bloody Cranial Protrusion Day).  So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know today so I can try to take care of your issues today.

Bon voyage,


Thursday, October 04, 2012


Howdy, Studes--

Who doesn't love getting funding?  I, for one, get lots of funding by harvesting organs from people I accidentally knock out with ether.  By the way, if you notice a weird smell in the room during the weekly coffee break, ignore it.

Anyway, if you could let me know if you're going to submit for funding, I'd be much obliged.



Thursday, September 27, 2012

Consulting Service

Howdy, everybody--

I was asked to forward this consulting program announcement from the Dept. of Statistics. 
I also have a consulting program, so if you need to know how to grill hobo steaks in a way that gets rid of the scent of cheap booze and mattresses that have been tucked under expressway overpasses, I'm your guy.



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Well I'm southbound

Howdy, y'all--

Just wanted to let everybody know that I'll be gone starting tomorrow.  Amazingly I will not be going to Florida to visit my mother.  Instead I'll be driving to North Carolina to see if I can experience my own version of "Deliverance."  Only my version is going to be even more creepy because the freaky-looking hillbilly dude is going to be playing a theramin instead of a banjo.  Now all I need to do is find a place that sells Ned Beatty masks and I'm good to go.

Ready to fuse "Dueling Banjos" with "Good Vibrations,"

- Dude

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Coffee break down! Repeat, coffee break down!

Greetings, caffeine fiends--

What's better than free coffee?  For starters, I'd say watching the reaction of my grandparents when I sneak into their bedroom with a boombox at 3 a.m. and crank a Yoko One CD.  Oddly enough, Nana's shrieks sound more melodious than Yoko's.

What else is better than free coffee is having two grad students graduate.  Since the P lab is having a reception for Citizen A and Citizen B, we will not be having the regular coffee break today.

Good luck, Citizen A, Citizen B, and Nana (providing your heart has started again)!



Tuesday, June 05, 2012

key deposits

Hi, Building Access Lovers--

As the old saying goes, sometimes it takes one bad egg to make Uncle Milt turn the breakfast table into a gastrointestinal Jackson Pollock painting.

Unfortunately a few bad eggs have also prompted us to bring back charging deposits for keys.  Several folks have stopped working here and have not returned their keys.  So we're getting all financially medieval on folks and will now be charging a $20 deposit for each key that we hand out.

Ready to eat a slightly jerky egg omelet,

- Dude

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I am so out of here!

Greetings, everybody--

As most of you know, I always do the same thing every spring. I'm referring, of course, to my continued attemp to convince the TV networks to make a Saturday morning cartoon based on "Apocalypse Now."

I will be contacting the TV networks while I am in Florida visiting my mom. So if you need me to take care of something for you before I head out, please let me know today or tomorrow.

The horror! The horror!

- Dude

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Liquid Nitrogen

Good day to you, science entities--

Does anybody know if there's a place on campus to obtain smaller amounts of liquid nitrogen? If you could let me know where liquid nitrogen can be purchased, that would be awesome for everybody except the person who I plan to inject the liquid nitrogen into. At long last I will be able to inherit Uncle Filbert's ant farm!