Thursday, December 29, 2011

Contract work

Greetings, lab work dudes--

Occasionally labs may need to have work done that requires a contract ... and contracts need to be signed before any work is done. The school's new policy is that violators will have live cockroaches placed in their mouths and then have their lips sewn shut. I, for one, plan on violating the policy immediately!

Please let me know if you have any questions.



Friday, November 18, 2011

Going cold turkey on Thanksgiving...

Hola, dudes--

You're probably asking yourself, "Hey, Dude. What are you thankful for?" I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful that I've reached an age where I'm starting to sprout ear hair. I'm thankful that a flash mob hasn't Crazy Glued a set of fake udders to my stomach. I'm thankful that the FDA is finally considering adding fingernails as one of the basic food groups.

But mostly I am thankful that I'll get to avoid the reality of chilly weather by going south to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I'll be off starting next Wednesday, and I will be back to work on the next Wednesday.

Thankfully ending this e-mail,


Thursday, July 07, 2011

Gone yet again

Guten morgen, dudes--

At long last July is here, which can mean only one thing: it's palmetto bug hunting season! Sure, it's hard to actually afix the tag to the palmetto bug's leg after I have slain an insect. And it's even harder to find a taxidermist insane enough to mount a palmetto bug head on a little plaque. And it's even harder still to find a nail small enough to use to attach the palmetto bug head plaque on my den wall. But all of these hardships are worth it when I can appreciate my quarry, kill it, mount its head on my wall, and grill up some palmetto bug fillets for family and friends.

I will be traveling to Florida for my big hunt. If you have something pressing you need done before I go, please let me know as soon as you can.

Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wascally woaches,

Dude Fudd

Monday, June 13, 2011

Auf Widersehen, y'all

Good day to you, beings--

I'm sure if any of you come to my office for business purposes from this Wednesday until next Tuesday, you'll probably think, "Oh, I bet Dude is hanging out with his mother." In actuality I will be under my desk, curled up in a fetal position, and crying because I was not selected to be the grand marshal for the Men Whose Baby Toes Are Bigger Than Their Big Toes Parade held every summer solstice on the grounds of the Wilkinson Nervous Hospital. Like I can help it that my middle toe is bigger than my big toe and baby toe combined!

Aloha, yo,


Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Hola, Studerinos--

With all of the horrible weather that's been hitting the Midwest lately, here is a very helpful tip: When you hear a tornado siren, more than likely it would be really easy to loot any nearby store. I like to think that the possibility of getting sucked away in a funnel cloud is worth the risk to steal a Twix and a 40-ouncer.

If the weather doesn't continue to look bleak today, you may want to attend the seminar in the attached announcement.

Pouring out some of my 40 for my fallen tornado victim homies,


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Please Forward

Buenos dias, lads and lasses--

Here's some notice for a symposium. Since they don't have mud wrestling at this thing, I didn't bother to actually read what it's all about.




Greetings, Studes--

Some people are bitter that it's so cold in mid-May, but not me. The cool weather gives me a few more opportunities to wear the special sweater my Aunt Bertha crocheted using live voles, fur that fell out as a result of animals getting chemotherapy, and orangutang areolas. Will I be styling? You better believe it!

You can always warm up by staying inside and attending this workshop on the environment.

Snuggly warm,


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm tripping, dudes!

Howdy, everybody--

Now that we are firmly entrenched in Spring, it's time for the inevitable: I will try to prove my theory that all of the foul lines in every professional baseball park are made with dandruff from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

It also means I will be heading to Florida to visit my mother. I will be leaving for Florida next Tuesday, and I will return to work the following Tuesday. So if you have any important business you'd like me to deal with, please let me know by next Monday.



Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Teaching assistantship available


Ah, the beginning of Spring. A time when a man's mind turns to thoughts of love. And me, I sure do love slathering myself with walrus fat while listening to a bootleg recording of Ethyl Merman belching "There's No Business Like Show Business." But what I don't love is when rats heed the siren's call of Ethyl Merman's voice and begin to gnaw away at my walrus-fat-encrusted flesh. I guess life is all about the give and take.

To celebrate Spring, perhaps you'll enjoy this TA announcement.



Wednesday, March 09, 2011


What up, homies--

I'm forwarding this e-mail about a job opportunity for a non-profit organization because the people in charge of the non-profit organization have incriminating photos of me dressed as Lady Gaga dancing with the corpse of Bea Arthur. What makes the photo incriminating is that the color of my shoes completely clashes with the veal cutlet dress I'm wearing.



Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Panel Discussion


I know! I know! You're probably thinking, "If Dude is sending us an announcement about a discussion on urban food models, he's probably going to mention eating hobos." That couldn't be more untrue. I'm so focused on coming up with a new recipe for rat chili and crack ho gumbo that I haven't given hobos a second thought.

But if they do mention eating hobos at the panel discussion, please let me know.

Ciao (or I should say chow),


Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Special Lecture Thursday

Greetings, Studes--

I don't know about you, but I find it appalling that now that we're sufficiently dug out from last week's blizzard that people suddenly find it's not okay to eat dead soccer players. People can be so uptight. But not those soccer players.

Since we're dug out from the blizzard, you can attend the lecture detailed in this message.

Bon apetit,


Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Hey, Studes--

Now that the Bears are out of the Superbowl picture, it's time to start focusing on something just as exciting: the beginning of the National Leper Hockey League season! Like me, I'm sure you're eager to see another face off at center ice.

But if that ain't your cup of tea, you can always go to this workshop instead.

Go Lepers!