Tuesday, December 06, 2005

cleaning folk fund

Just a reminder that I'm still collecting money to start my own business marketing a product for people who are too poor to pay for flowers at a funeral called the Chia Casket.

I didn't mean to let that slip out. So instead let's just say I'm collecting money to give to our favorite cleaning lady C and the dude whose name I don't know who cleans the floors at night (henceforth simply referred to as "dude").

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

e-mail directory

I've attached a photo of two goats and a dwarf in a hot tub. No, wait. I attached a proof sheet of the updated department e-mail directory. Please let me know if you have any corrections to your listing, and also let me know if you have a photo of two goats and a dwarf in a hot tub.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Well, October is here which means one thing--it's time to empty the bodies out of my crawlspace and start eating the evidence. It also means the new University directories are here. If you would like a copy, please stop by the office and get one. And while you're picking up your directory, don't forget to try out the latest batch of my tasty chili...

Friday, July 08, 2005

A hearty thank you


Never have so many people worked so hard to give one man syphilis. This generous gesture warms my heart and burns my genitals when I urinate. Thanks so much for the pox. I only hope I'll be able to spread the love around.

No longer waiting for a crack whore to give me syphilis,

Monday, May 23, 2005


If somebody left their blue sweatshirt in the conference room, it's now in the main office. It's pretty nondescript--just a dark blue sweatshirt with a severed goat head in it and the number of the beast written on it with blood.

Monday, May 16, 2005

dead fax

It is with much sadness that I must let you know that Rusty, our beloved fax machine, has passed away. We shall miss Rusty. Despite his drinking problem, and the crystal meth addiction, and his hatred for Canadians, he served us well. Long live Rusty!

We'll be getting a new fax machine to replace this piece of junk by 10 a.m. tomorrow, so you'll be able to fax stuff tomorrow. I'll send out an e-mail to let you know when faxing can start anew.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

mystery shoes

There is a pair of Doc Martin shoes that has been sitting outside the main office since yesterday morning. We have no idea why they are there. They seem to be fairly new. The thing is, I can't control my desire to continually huff the things. If you somehow misplaced them, you can find the shoes outside the office.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'm Gonesville, daddy-o

Some people tell me, "You need psychological help." Well, you can only punch so many people in the throat after they criticize you before you begin to take their words to heart. So I will be going to Florida for a week's worth of sunshine, warmth, and electroshock therapy. I'll be gone starting April 22 and I'll be back to work May 2. So next month when you see a dude drooling at the front desk like McMurphy at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," you'll know that I'm all better.

Thursday, April 14, 2005


There are still two open slots in the speaker's schedule for next Monday. The slots are 11 to 11:30 a.m. and 11:30 to noon. Even if just one of the slots gets filled, I will celebrate by wearing a lovely evening gown and doing the moon walk from here to the midway. In other words, it'll be just like any other work day for me.