Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Good morning, consumers--

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with the purchasing system, it's that you can't use it to pay a dude to kill your brother-in-law because he borrowed your blender for 2 frickin' weeks and still hasn't returned it.

I've also learned that most folks still have not updated their profiles. If you aren't sure how to update the shipping address, please swing by my office and I'll hook you up. All it will cost you is a new blender. Or the name of a cheap hit man.



Monday, August 09, 2010

U.S. mail

Greetings, y'all--

Did you know that you could fit a human being in one of the mailbox slots outside the office? But only if you use the puree button.

Some of you also may not know that you have a mailbox. Outside the main office is a series of mailboxes. Some of the boxes are pretty full, so it would be groovy if we could empty out the boxes to make room for more body parts, er, I mean mail.



Tuesday, August 03, 2010


Hello again--

When summer is in full swing, sometimes I feel so happy that I start singing. But it turns out that the people in the nursing home don't like it when I creep up to their beds with a bullhorn and start belting out Sex Pistols tunes. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd think anybody hooked up to a dialysis machine would love to hear a live rendition of "Anarchy in the UK."

Also when summer is in full swing, I dig taking some time off. So I will be off all next week. I'll be returning to work on Monday, Aug. 9. So if you have any pressing issues, please let me know today if possible so I can take care of things before the end of the day tomorrow.

God save the queen, she's not a human bein',


cleaning concerns

Greetings, haters of filth--

A clean building is very important for scientists. And the reason for that is because we want our rats, mice, and cockroaches to have pristine feet.

If you have any problems or concerns regarding the upkeep of the buildings, could you please let me know?