Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30

Whenever I'm asked to forward these e-mails to you, it reminds me of when I was young and my mother used to say, "If I knew who your father was, I'd have him tie you up in a sack and push you in the river. Now get me my bottle of diet pills and that bottle of peppermint schnapps!"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Thursday, 4:30]

This is getting ridiculous now. If I'm gonna keep forwarding these messages, I better be getting something out of the deal. Besides these crazy Nicole Ritchie inflatable dolls they keep sending me. Every time I put my finger in the mouth hole, the doll throws up.

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp ]

Again I am asked to forward a message to you. This is the sort of thing that made my dad shave his head, carve a swastika in his forehead, and start his own catering company called "I Was Only Following Hors d'oeuvres."

Monday, January 14, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30]

I was told that if I forwarded this all departmental students, I would be rewarded with world peace. Well, that and a nude photo of Bea Arthur feeding a bear with a salmon dangling from her mouth.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp Tomorrow!]


Some lunatic told me that if I didn't forward this e-mail to you, he would grill up my St. Bernard and feed it to Rosie O'Donnell. Which I thought was very nice because Rosie usually eats dogs raw.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Xerox machine

Are you looking for the Xerox machine upstairs? Answer me! Are you?! Don't look away! It's nothing to be ashamed of. At some point in every person's life, they seek the comfort, warmth, and toxic toner fumes of a good copier. So if you'd like to use the upstairs copier, it's now right in the main office instead of down the hall outside my door. This makes things easier for you, but now I have to huff my own toner cartridge in order to get my lungs and brain to bleed in that special way that makes the lights dim and my mouth foam.

Friday, January 04, 2008

[Fwd: Fwd: Workshop]

What's up, home slices? I'll tell you what's up. This random announcement I was asked to distribute to you all. What's also up is my body temperature after I started a nice, warming fire by igniting a pile of hobos. Life is good!


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

It's all me

Howdy, y'all! Thanks to a combination of scheduled days off and sickness, it looks like nobody else is going to be in the office but me today. So don't panic if you come in the office and don't see anybody there. Just come on down to my office if you need any help.

Since I'm the only one here, do not question my authority! I am the law here! The floggings will continue until morale improves! Actually, since I'm the only one here today, there will be a few times when I'll have to close down the office. I'll be heading out for checks around 9 a.m., so the office will be closed for about 15 minutes. I also have a very important meeting at 10 a.m., so I 'll probably be gone for about 20-25 minutes or so. And at some point in the afternoon I'll have to drop off the mail, so I'll be gone about 15 minutes for that, too. But otherwise I'll be here until at least 5:30 tonight. So party on!


final call for cleaning folk cash

I'd like to give Cand J their Christmas loot tomorrow, so this is your last chance to donate some cash. So far we have collected $441 for C and $241 for J. We usually give C around $500 each year, so we're pretty close to that goal. If we hit it, I'm going to do my Jerry Lewis impersonation and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone." Then I'm going to be rude and overbearing while making silly noises as a cigarette dangles from my upper lip. Which is pretty much how I act after having a few too many cocktails.