Friday, November 19, 2004

Gimme your money!

Hey, it's getting close to Christmas-time, which means one thing. I'm ready to bake me a batch of my popular yuletide treat kitten pie. Also, it's time for you to donate some cash to give to our cleaning lady for Christmas. Stop on by the main office and give your dough to me. As usual we'll just give her a card with the cash in it so she can get whatever she wants.

Monday, October 11, 2004


Yes, the new university directories are out, which can mean only one thing: the police have finally found the bodies of those missing hitchhikers in my backyard. Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to mention that until the district attorney accepted my insanity plea.

No, what it really means is that we've got gobs of directories left, so if you want one, please stop into the office and I'll give you one. They're the perfect size for bludgeoning hitchhikers.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

You shan't be printless any longer

That's right, people. Contain your glee. The new toner cartridge arrived, and I inserted it. It hurt when I sit down, though, so I then put the cartridge in the office printer. And now we're color printer-capable once again.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I'm free! Free, do you hear?!

Well, it's time for me to go on vacation again. And by vacation I mean hide from the police in the hopes my neighbor gets the blame for remains they found in my yard. Oh, sure. You can make flesh and entrail smoothies and drink them all day to hide most of the evidence. But bones don't fare so well in a blender. I guess it was a tactical error on my part. I figured, "Hey, who'd miss the daughters of a few U.S senators?" My bad.

Anyway, I'll be heading to Utah to party with the Osmonds from July 10 through the 18 and will return to work July 19. Unless the police catch me.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004


I'm sure rumors have been going around that I'll be heading to Canada tomorrow to finish my sex change. Well it's just not true! I can't help it if I have an ample man bosom! In actuality I will be going to Florida, where you can see me twirling my tassels on the Tick Tock Lounge stage at 6, 8, and 10 p.m. (tips are appreciated). I'll be on vacation starting tomorrow, March 10, and I will return to work on Thursday, March 18.