Purchasing

Good morning, consumers--

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with the purchasing system, it's that you can't use it to pay a dude to kill your brother-in-law because he borrowed your blender for 2 frickin' weeks and still hasn't returned it.

I've also learned that most folks still have not updated their profiles. If you aren't sure how to update the shipping address, please swing by my office and I'll hook you up. All it will cost you is a new blender. Or the name of a cheap hit man.

Cheers,

Dude

U.S. mail

Greetings, y'all--

Did you know that you could fit a human being in one of the mailbox slots outside the office? But only if you use the puree button.

Some of you also may not know that you have a mailbox. Outside the main office is a series of mailboxes. Some of the boxes are pretty full, so it would be groovy if we could empty out the boxes to make room for more body parts, er, I mean mail.

Thanks,

Dude

Freedom!

Hello again--

When summer is in full swing, sometimes I feel so happy that I start singing. But it turns out that the people in the nursing home don't like it when I creep up to their beds with a bullhorn and start belting out Sex Pistols tunes. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd think anybody hooked up to a dialysis machine would love to hear a live rendition of "Anarchy in the UK."

Also when summer is in full swing, I dig taking some time off. So I will be off all next week. I'll be returning to work on Monday, Aug. 9. So if you have any pressing issues, please let me know today if possible so I can take care of things before the end of the day tomorrow.

God save the queen, she's not a human bein',

Dude

cleaning concerns

Greetings, haters of filth--

A clean building is very important for scientists. And the reason for that is because we want our rats, mice, and cockroaches to have pristine feet.

If you have any problems or concerns regarding the upkeep of the buildings, could you please let me know?

Thanks,

Dude

Final Workshop

Studes--

As we approach the first holiday of the summer, we should not forget what's really important: pressuring the government to create a federal holiday honoring the guy who created the name Eggos for those delicious waffles!

I guess we also shouldn't forget the final workshop.

Ready for some syrup,

Dude

Workshop

Studes--

Whenever it gets really hot outside, I like to remember when I was a child and my uncle would take me and my sisters to work with him. It was nice and cool there, and my uncle said we could eat whatever we wanted. I spent many a happy hour as a child in that morgue.

You may be able to stay cool if there is air conditioning wherever this global workshop is being held. Enjoy!

Dude

Env Studies Position

Studes--

Sometimes I wake up at night screaming. Then I come to my senses and realize it's because I'm getting punched in the face by my neighbor while I'm standing in his kitchen. Luckily this forwarded e-mail isn't going to make me scream any time soon.

Enjoy,

Dude

Distinguished Lecture

Studes--

Boy, this rain is really bringing me down. I need something to cheer me up. Perhaps going to the cemetery right before a funeral and standing next to an open grave with a napkin tied around my neck and a knife and a fork in each hand would perk me up. Or else I can glean some sort of satisfaction by sending you this announcement.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Green Conference

I am sending this e-mail to encourage you to join me in my fight to get the Food and Drug Administration to declare nose hair as a new food group. I am also sending this e-mail to forward another one of those conferences to you.

Bon apetit,

- Dude

Workshop

Studes--

The sunshine. The blooming flowers. The desire to skin a dead hobo and use the hide to make a pair of festive Cinco de Mayo lederhosen. These are all signs of the spring. Another sign of spring is this forwarded workshop e-mail.

Enjoy,

Dude