correction

Maybe it's the dyslexia. Or maybe it's the gallon of two-month-old milk I chugged for breakfast this morning. Whatever the cause, I had a typo in my last e-mail about the seminar. It actually will be on Jan. 30, and not on Jan. 39.

Lunch with Speaker

Well, the lunch menu survey was a tie, so that means I'm going to cast the deciding vote. And that's why I choose a bloated yak stuffed with lab mouse tumors. For desert, a simple goiter pudding topped with chest hair should do the trick.

Actually there were only a few votes, and pizza won out.

Fwd: Safety Training Announcement - Winter Quarter

Here's info on various safety training classes being offered this quarter. I would suggest you register on-line while putting a fork in an electric outlet, licking old asbestos pipe insulation, staring directly into the sun, setting up a dinner date with Robert Blake, giving yourself a mercury enema, and agreeing to donate both of your kidneys on a bet that Ryan Seacrest has an IQ higher than a bowl of wolverine saliva.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

If I'm not in the office next Monday, Jan. 16, it won't be because I'm drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster. Oh, I'll definitely be drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster, but the reason I won't be at work is because the University is officially closed Jan. 16 in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. This is the first year the University will be closing for this holiday.

Fwd: SUMMER TEACHING POSITIONS

If anybody is looking for some extra cash, there's an easier way to do it than how I do it. AND you won't have to spend hours and hours in the men's room at the Greyhound station. Check out the info below..

cleaning folk fund

Just a reminder that I'm still collecting money to start my own business marketing a product for people who are too poor to pay for flowers at a funeral called the Chia Casket.

I didn't mean to let that slip out. So instead let's just say I'm collecting money to give to our favorite cleaning lady C and the dude whose name I don't know who cleans the floors at night (henceforth simply referred to as "dude").

e-mail directory

I've attached a photo of two goats and a dwarf in a hot tub. No, wait. I attached a proof sheet of the updated department e-mail directory. Please let me know if you have any corrections to your listing, and also let me know if you have a photo of two goats and a dwarf in a hot tub.

directories

Well, October is here which means one thing--it's time to empty the bodies out of my crawlspace and start eating the evidence. It also means the new University directories are here. If you would like a copy, please stop by the office and get one. And while you're picking up your directory, don't forget to try out the latest batch of my tasty chili...

A hearty thank you

Dudes--

Never have so many people worked so hard to give one man syphilis. This generous gesture warms my heart and burns my genitals when I urinate. Thanks so much for the pox. I only hope I'll be able to spread the love around.

No longer waiting for a crack whore to give me syphilis,

sweatshirt

If somebody left their blue sweatshirt in the conference room, it's now in the main office. It's pretty nondescript--just a dark blue sweatshirt with a severed goat head in it and the number of the beast written on it with blood.