Workshop

Studes--

Dang, can you believe that it's almost Thanksgiving? That means I'm really going to have to start preparing for the holiday right now if I'm going to find enough used heroin syringe needles to stuff my turkey. Of course I don't know why I even bother because I'm sure nobody will show up to dinner. Again.

But you can get some pre-holiday excitement going if you attend the workshop detailed in this forwarded e-mail.

Bon Apetit,

Chef Dude

Workshop

Hi, Studes--

Do you know what I love most about attending science workshops? I'd have to say it's that moment right after I hand out the pork fat necklaces and right before I lock the doors and release the rabid pit bulls. Either that or it's the free bottled water.

Anyhow, you can find out what YOU love the most about attending science workshops if you go to the one in this forwarded e-mail.

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop

Greetings, Studes--

When you see the attached e-mail with the name Brian Wilson in it, I'm sure you'll think of one thing: Why am I getting an e-mail from that weird guy who lances boils into ice cream cones? Man, you just need to let that whole ice cream cone thing go. After all, the driving creative force behind the Beach Boys forgave the boil lancer years ago. Anyway, whichever Brian Wilson you're thinking of, enjoy the e-mail...

Workshop

Studes--

Well, it was a weird trip to Florida. I got a severe sunburn which led to the growth of a weird mole that looks exactly like an M.C. Escher illustration. This could cause a problem because I'm confident a dermatologist wouldn't know where the mole starts and where it ends. Yet I can't stop staring at it. Damn you, Escher mole!

But I digress. Here's another e-mail about an environment workshop.

Suffering from an eschernoma,

Dude

Hurricanes, here I come

Greetings, y'all--

Well, October is here, which means one very important thing--it's time for my weird Uncle Ronnie to dress his scalp cysts in little Elvis Presley jumpsuit costumes for Halloween.

On a less important level, October is also going to bring my annual autumnal trip to Florida to visit my mother so she can yell at me about my hair length and question me about when I'm going to get married and give her grandchildren.

A hunk-a, hunk-a burning cyst,

Dude

U.S. mail delivery

Good day to you, my mailing amigos--

Did you know it's illegal to ship a severed hobo head via U.S. mail? Yet oddly enough you can sew several severed hobo heads in the body cavity of a whole dead hobo, and that's okay. Go figure.

If you want to mail anything via U.S. mail, please keep in mind that the mail should be in the office by 3 p.m. if you want it to be dropped off in the mailbox that same day.

- Dude

Purchasing

Good morning, consumers--

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with the purchasing system, it's that you can't use it to pay a dude to kill your brother-in-law because he borrowed your blender for 2 frickin' weeks and still hasn't returned it.

I've also learned that most folks still have not updated their profiles. If you aren't sure how to update the shipping address, please swing by my office and I'll hook you up. All it will cost you is a new blender. Or the name of a cheap hit man.

Cheers,

Dude

U.S. mail

Greetings, y'all--

Did you know that you could fit a human being in one of the mailbox slots outside the office? But only if you use the puree button.

Some of you also may not know that you have a mailbox. Outside the main office is a series of mailboxes. Some of the boxes are pretty full, so it would be groovy if we could empty out the boxes to make room for more body parts, er, I mean mail.

Thanks,

Dude

Freedom!

Hello again--

When summer is in full swing, sometimes I feel so happy that I start singing. But it turns out that the people in the nursing home don't like it when I creep up to their beds with a bullhorn and start belting out Sex Pistols tunes. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd think anybody hooked up to a dialysis machine would love to hear a live rendition of "Anarchy in the UK."

Also when summer is in full swing, I dig taking some time off. So I will be off all next week. I'll be returning to work on Monday, Aug. 9. So if you have any pressing issues, please let me know today if possible so I can take care of things before the end of the day tomorrow.

God save the queen, she's not a human bein',

Dude

cleaning concerns

Greetings, haters of filth--

A clean building is very important for scientists. And the reason for that is because we want our rats, mice, and cockroaches to have pristine feet.

If you have any problems or concerns regarding the upkeep of the buildings, could you please let me know?

Thanks,

Dude