Unexpected time off

Greetings, —

Well, it looks like I’ll be taking some unexpected time off.  It turns out I guess you CAN’T legally pull into  a small town on a horse-drawn buggy and sell a rheumatism elixir made up of Gatorade, drain cleaner, and angel dust.

The first five people who respond to this e-mail will get some of my rheumatiz medicine!

Cheers,

Dude

I'm southbound

Greetings —

It’s time again for my annual trip to visit my mom in Florida, and I’m planning on chilling out big-time.  Which brings up a question:

If I get skin cancer from soaking up too much sun while really relaxing by the pool, would it be called a mellownoma?

Your own little ray of sunstroke,

Dude

Beware of falling ice!

Hi, fellow haters of this crazy winter—

I just found out that a student who was walking nearby was injured very recently today by a big chunk of ice that fell from a roof or ledge.  Please be mindful when walking near buildings on campus since it’s possible that the warmer weather could loosen up snow and ice that could then fall and bust you open but good.

Hoping the dangerous threats perish from icicle cell anemia,

Dude

Holiday Bash

Greetings, holiday revelers—

Sure, it may not even be Halloween yet.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t take a break from making my costume (I’ll be dressing up as someone who doesn’t celebrate Halloween, providing the concept doesn’t blow my own mind) to let you know that you should save the date for this year’s holiday party. 

Party on,

Dude

On the road again

Hi, everybody—

I love when my annual autumn trip to visit my mom happens in the same month as Halloween.  This year I plan on spending my entire vacation walking around in my mom’s retirement facility while wearing my Grim Reaper costume.

I will be scaring the bajeezus out of my mom’s friends starting ...

Boo,

Dude

Time to get away

Hi, everybody—

Well, on Thursday I will begin a life-long dream: to sleep in a McDonald’s dumpster in every state of this great nation of ours.  Ah, even now I can feel the comfort of lying on a pillow of half-eaten Quarter Pounders while snuggling under a blanket of hungry rats!

All of which is to say that I will be out of the office starting Thursday.

Bon appetit and good night,

- Dude

Baseball game

Greetings, baseballmongers—

Sorry for slacking on organizing the proposed baseball outing, but I was very busy doing volunteer work.  Some patients inside insane asylums can’t burn ants using magnifying glasses because they are in straightjackets.  That’s where volunteers like me come in.

Ready to be knocked silly with a home run ball,

Dude

A wee break

Greetings—

Sometimes when life gets a little too stressful, I do what most people do—curl up in a fetal position in a giant Hefty bag filled with cow placenta.  But since I’m not quite that stressed, I will just be taking a few days off.

Feeling udderly ridiculous,

Dude

Darn that post office!

Hello, 

I went to the post office today and saw a sign saying that the facility was going to close permanently soon.  And oddly enough it was closed today with a sign that said there was an emergency suspension.  It may have been because of the wheelbarrow filled with ricin I was trying to cart into the facility.

Sorry for the inconvenience.  Though it is fitting that I’m using e-mail, which is probably part of the cause of the Post Office’s fiscal woes, to let you know that the local post office is closing.  Oh, irony, you are a cruel, cold mistress!

Cheers,

Dude

Game

Hi, everybody—

Now that summer is right around the corner, people’s thoughts are turning to fun outdoor festivities.  And nothing screams outdoor festivities quite as much as eating raw bacon that has been sitting in a sweltering McDonald’s dumpster for 3 days.  After hallucinating from eating too much gammy bacon, the thought arose, “Hey, let’s see if folks want to attend a baseball game.

[...]

Cheers,

Dude

I'm off. But enough about my mental state...

Greetings, y’all—

I wanted to let you know that I will be away for a vacation to Florida starting next Tuesday. So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know tomorrow so I can try to take care of everything before I head out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out the best alcohol choice for my mom to drink before I take her for her first tattoo.  I think I’ll go with her favorite—rubbing alcohol and Fresca.

Cheers,

Dude

Thanks!

Ho ho ho, everybody—

People often go above and beyond the call of duty around the holidays.  For example, against my better judgment I decided to make my insane Uncle Zed’s wish for a snuff film come true.  Unfortunately I didn’t have my reading glasses on when I ordered the DVD, so I wound up buying him “The Smurfs” film.  In my defense, there were a bunch of blue bodies on the cover and I thought they were stiffs.

Anyway, thanks to everybody who went above and beyond the call of duty in contributing money for the Cleaning Crew's Christmas gifts.  They were both extremely appreciative and gave their thanks to everybody.  So thank you all again for your generosity.  I know you made Christmas much merrier for them.

Smurfishly,

Dude

Coolers needed

Hi, everybody—

Boy, do we need coolers.  And not to try to dispose of some of Drew Peterson’s Christmas elves.  Nope, the coolers are needed to keep our fluids frigid at next the holiday party.  If you could lend a cooler for the party, I’d really appreciate it.  

Chillin’ like a villain,

Dude

Cash for the cleaning folks

Greetings, Building dwellers—

It’s almost December, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for my celebration of Use Deodorant for the First Time This Year Day.  And since I will be less foul than normal, people should be okay with coming to my office to cough up some cash for our cleaning lady and our floor-cleaning dude.  So if you are so inclined, please give what you want to help make the holidays a little brighter for them.

Ready to hit the dollar store for some Dead Vole ™ Antiperspirant,

Dude

I'm free!

Greetings, y'all--

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about all of the times my mother told me I wouldn't amount to anything in this life.  And finally I thought, "If I hadn't had my phone shut off because I spent all of my bill money on cheap vodka and Fresca, I'd call her up and give her a piece of my mind!"

Luckily I will be flying down to Florida, so I can tell my mom face to face that while my liver may be a loser, I'm a winner!  I'll be gone starting tomorrow and returning on Halloween (also known as Bloody Cranial Protrusion Day).  So if you have any pressing matters, please let me know today so I can try to take care of your issues today.

Bon voyage,

Dude

Funding

Howdy, Studes--

Who doesn't love getting funding?  I, for one, get lots of funding by harvesting organs from people I accidentally knock out with ether.  By the way, if you notice a weird smell in the room during the weekly coffee break, ignore it.

Anyway, if you could let me know if you're going to submit for funding, I'd be much obliged.

Thanks,

Dude

Consulting Service

Howdy, everybody--

I was asked to forward this consulting program announcement from the Dept. of Statistics. 
I also have a consulting program, so if you need to know how to grill hobo steaks in a way that gets rid of the scent of cheap booze and mattresses that have been tucked under expressway overpasses, I'm your guy.

Cheers,

Dude

Well I'm southbound

Howdy, y'all--

Just wanted to let everybody know that I'll be gone starting tomorrow.  Amazingly I will not be going to Florida to visit my mother.  Instead I'll be driving to North Carolina to see if I can experience my own version of "Deliverance."  Only my version is going to be even more creepy because the freaky-looking hillbilly dude is going to be playing a theramin instead of a banjo.  Now all I need to do is find a place that sells Ned Beatty masks and I'm good to go.

Ready to fuse "Dueling Banjos" with "Good Vibrations,"

- Dude

Coffee break down! Repeat, coffee break down!

Greetings, caffeine fiends--

What's better than free coffee?  For starters, I'd say watching the reaction of my grandparents when I sneak into their bedroom with a boombox at 3 a.m. and crank a Yoko One CD.  Oddly enough, Nana's shrieks sound more melodious than Yoko's.

What else is better than free coffee is having two grad students graduate.  Since the P lab is having a reception for Citizen A and Citizen B, we will not be having the regular coffee break today.

Good luck, Citizen A, Citizen B, and Nana (providing your heart has started again)!

Cheers,


Dude

key deposits

Hi, Building Access Lovers--

As the old saying goes, sometimes it takes one bad egg to make Uncle Milt turn the breakfast table into a gastrointestinal Jackson Pollock painting.

Unfortunately a few bad eggs have also prompted us to bring back charging deposits for keys.  Several folks have stopped working here and have not returned their keys.  So we're getting all financially medieval on folks and will now be charging a $20 deposit for each key that we hand out.

Ready to eat a slightly jerky egg omelet,


- Dude