office closing

I believe it was the Greek philosopher Thales of Miletus who summed it up best when he said, "Why do I always wake up in an alley on New Year's Day wearing only a loin cloth made of dead marmots and lark's vomit?" In order to answer this question, the office staff will be conducting our own research into the matter when we follow suit with the D.O. and close at 2 p.m. today. And by the office staff conducting research, I mean me and my pet lark Karen Carpenter.

Everybody have a righteous New Year's, and I hope to see some of you in the alley on Monday morning.

vacation, yo

What does Florida have to offer besides all the colostamy bags you can drink? Well, my mother. I will be visiting her for Christmas, so I'll be away from work starting Wednesday and returning to work on Thursday.

Congrats again to G

I just wanted to offer my congratulations again to G for his promotion. The promotion is a great achievement for G as well as a wonderful reflection of the hard work our faculty, postdoctoral researchers and graduate students do in the name of science. (Any work I may do, however, is in the name of Gus, that weird dude who sleeps behind the Staples store in my neighborhood and has the wicked, pimped-out shopping cart I've ever seen)

Department Christmas Gathering

Just a reminder that Department folks will be gathering at J's today starting at 5 p.m. to have a few holiday cocktails. Please join us. I'm not promising anything, but if I get enough Guinness in me I just might belch Handel's "Messiah" in its entirety. And if you give me enough White Castles I could probably pull off a unique rendition of "Carol of the Bells."

Your Seminar

Dudes--

I thought I'd pester you all to get the titles for your seminars for the Winter Quarter so I can print out the flyers. So throw me a frickin' bone. I need the info. (For full effect, say those last two sentences aloud like Dr. Evil).

Gimme the money and nobody gets hurt

Sorry to be a pest, but money has been trickling in for the janitor and the floor cleaning dude. I'd like to give them their moolah this Friday, so now is the time to really dole out the cash. More importantly, if you pony up some cash then I can stop acting like one of those strokes on the PBS fund drives.

It's time to collect money for the cleaning folks

Well, the Christmas season is here, which means it's time for one thing: spiking my family's egg nog with a harmless mega-dose of liquid LSD and donkey laxative.

But that's not all. it's also time to collect money for C our cleaning lady and for the floor cleaning dude whose name I still don't remember. I'd like to give C and Dude their cash-filled cards by Dec. 15, so please give what you can. You can give your donations to me. And even though donkey laxative is surprisingly expensive, you can rest assured that every penny of your donation will go to C and Dude.

fridge up for grabs

My grandfather used to say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't shave it, put it in a sun dress and flip flops, put lipstick on it, bring it to Christmas dinner, and trick your in-laws into thinking it's your wife while your wife is really at home waxing the kittens." But then we'd give Gramps his medication, and he wouldn't say that for a few days.

What does that have to do with the purpose of this e-mail? Nothing whatsoever. We have an old fridge in the basement of the Zoology Building (it's next to the ice machine) that we have to get rid of. Can anybody use it in their lab? If not, then it may make a good spare fridge for somebody's garage. If you'd like the fridge, please let me know as soon as possible so we can get that thing out of here. Of course I could always put a sun dress and flip flops on it since Christmas is just a few months away...

Speaker's schedule

There are still three open slots on the Speaker's schedule next Tuesday, Nov. 28. These slots are:

9:30 to 10 a.m.
10:30 to 11 a.m.
11 to 11:30 a.m.

Please to let me know if you'd like one of these very valuable slots. Otherwise I'm gonna put them on eBay and totally make enough money to retire early. And if I retire early, good luck finding another office toady who comes to work every day with squids in his pants.

Office closing early on Wednesday

In keeping with the rest of the BSD, the main office will be closing at 2 p.m. tomorrow, Wednesday. Tomorrow is pay day for biweekly employees, so please come to the office before 2 p.m. to get your checks.

I can't speak for the rest of the office staff, but I know I will be utilizing my time tomorrow preparing for Thanksgiving in a very traditional way, by juggling rabid wombats while singing the theme from "The Brady Bunch" in Sanskrit.