I am so out of here!

Greetings, everybody--

As most of you know, I always do the same thing every spring. I'm referring, of course, to my continued attemp to convince the TV networks to make a Saturday morning cartoon based on "Apocalypse Now."

I will be contacting the TV networks while I am in Florida visiting my mom. So if you need me to take care of something for you before I head out, please let me know today or tomorrow.

The horror! The horror!

- Dude

Liquid Nitrogen

Good day to you, science entities--

Does anybody know if there's a place on campus to obtain smaller amounts of liquid nitrogen? If you could let me know where liquid nitrogen can be purchased, that would be awesome for everybody except the person who I plan to inject the liquid nitrogen into. At long last I will be able to inherit Uncle Filbert's ant farm!

Thanks,

Dude

Contract work

Greetings, lab work dudes--

Occasionally labs may need to have work done that requires a contract ... and contracts need to be signed before any work is done. The school's new policy is that violators will have live cockroaches placed in their mouths and then have their lips sewn shut. I, for one, plan on violating the policy immediately!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Cheers,

Dude

Going cold turkey on Thanksgiving...

Hola, dudes--

You're probably asking yourself, "Hey, Dude. What are you thankful for?" I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful that I've reached an age where I'm starting to sprout ear hair. I'm thankful that a flash mob hasn't Crazy Glued a set of fake udders to my stomach. I'm thankful that the FDA is finally considering adding fingernails as one of the basic food groups.

But mostly I am thankful that I'll get to avoid the reality of chilly weather by going south to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I'll be off starting next Wednesday, and I will be back to work on the next Wednesday.

Thankfully ending this e-mail,

Dude

Gone yet again

Guten morgen, dudes--

At long last July is here, which can mean only one thing: it's palmetto bug hunting season! Sure, it's hard to actually afix the tag to the palmetto bug's leg after I have slain an insect. And it's even harder to find a taxidermist insane enough to mount a palmetto bug head on a little plaque. And it's even harder still to find a nail small enough to use to attach the palmetto bug head plaque on my den wall. But all of these hardships are worth it when I can appreciate my quarry, kill it, mount its head on my wall, and grill up some palmetto bug fillets for family and friends.

I will be traveling to Florida for my big hunt. If you have something pressing you need done before I go, please let me know as soon as you can.

Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wascally woaches,

Dude Fudd

Auf Widersehen, y'all

Good day to you, beings--

I'm sure if any of you come to my office for business purposes from this Wednesday until next Tuesday, you'll probably think, "Oh, I bet Dude is hanging out with his mother." In actuality I will be under my desk, curled up in a fetal position, and crying because I was not selected to be the grand marshal for the Men Whose Baby Toes Are Bigger Than Their Big Toes Parade held every summer solstice on the grounds of the Wilkinson Nervous Hospital. Like I can help it that my middle toe is bigger than my big toe and baby toe combined!

Aloha, yo,

Dude

Workshop

Hola, Studerinos--

With all of the horrible weather that's been hitting the Midwest lately, here is a very helpful tip: When you hear a tornado siren, more than likely it would be really easy to loot any nearby store. I like to think that the possibility of getting sucked away in a funnel cloud is worth the risk to steal a Twix and a 40-ouncer.

If the weather doesn't continue to look bleak today, you may want to attend the seminar in the attached announcement.

Pouring out some of my 40 for my fallen tornado victim homies,

Dude

Please Forward

Buenos dias, lads and lasses--

Here's some notice for a symposium. Since they don't have mud wrestling at this thing, I didn't bother to actually read what it's all about.

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop

Greetings, Studes--

Some people are bitter that it's so cold in mid-May, but not me. The cool weather gives me a few more opportunities to wear the special sweater my Aunt Bertha crocheted using live voles, fur that fell out as a result of animals getting chemotherapy, and orangutang areolas. Will I be styling? You better believe it!

You can always warm up by staying inside and attending this workshop on the environment.

Snuggly warm,

Dude

I'm tripping, dudes!

Howdy, everybody--

Now that we are firmly entrenched in Spring, it's time for the inevitable: I will try to prove my theory that all of the foul lines in every professional baseball park are made with dandruff from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

It also means I will be heading to Florida to visit my mother. I will be leaving for Florida next Tuesday, and I will return to work the following Tuesday. So if you have any important business you'd like me to deal with, please let me know by next Monday.

Aloha,

Dude