Wksp, Friday, noon!]

Howdy, students--

When it's a rainy, gloomy morning, I find the one thing that cheers me up is stringing piano wire neck-high along the jogging path on the lake front. As a wise man once said, when the wire connects, they'll wear their hats on their necks. The other thing that cheers me up is forwarding another workshop announcement. So enjoy the e-mail. And don't go jogging today.

Dude

Xerox machine

The xerox machine in the basement seems to be periodically making a grinding noise. At first I thought it may have been caused by all of those baby gerbils I stuffed in the toner cartridge. Anyway, don't be alarmed by the horrific noise. The machine is still working, though there are some streaks and smudges that appear on the copies. I have called Xerox to get a repair guy here, but he won't be able to make it until Monday.

Sorry for the inconvenience. And for the squeaking gerbils.

Dude

Fwd:Fwd: WKSHP

While I was on vacation, I thought alot about life. I thought that perhaps there is a god who created the universe and who created us in His likeness. Then I drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol and realized I was throwing up blood. It was then that I realized that if there were a god who created me in His likeness, then god is a dude who lives in a trailer and suffers from the DTs every morning.

God told me I should forward this e-mail to you. God also told me to buy more rubbing alcohol. Sweeeet!

Meet the new folks!

Who doesn't love to party? I know I do. Especially if the party involves rubbing alcohol, tainted yogurt, and a few shaved yaks dressed as Las Vegas show girls. We're having trouble rounding up the yaks, but I'm sure folks will still have fun if they attend a wee gathering this afternoon to meet new people in the department. We will be serving tasty fluids and snacks in the L Room today from 3 to 4:30 p.m.

This is going to be an occasional thing--probably once every quarter. Since it seems like we always have folks coming and going, we figured it would be nice to give everyone in the department a chance to meet the new people in our department and make them feel welcome. So please join us in greeting the new blood. And if you have a spare yak sitting around, please bring it with you.

Oh, some new people may be so new that they have not been put on the mailing list. So if you have any new people in your lab, please let them know about today's festivities.

Party on,

Dude
Administrator and Yak Afficianado

Gotta get it out

If I wanted to get into the Z Building after 4:30 p.m., what would I do? I would try something subtle like wrapping my dwarf in heavy chains and throwing him through a window. But if you don't have a dwarf or any heavy chains, then you should use your key to enter the south door (the one in the breezeway between Z and E).

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday, 4:30!]

I bet you're asking yourself, "Hey, when is Dude going to forward another Workshop e-mail to me?" If it's any consolation, the question I'm asking myself is, "How many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a hobo? I know! I'll ask Mr. Owl! And if he doesn't know the answer, so help me I will bitch slap that dumb beak right off his face!"

paying for mail

Greetings, people of science--

So the comptroller's office has been urging all of the departments on campus to make sure costs for grants are allocated correctly (so that we don't get in big trouble if there's ever an audit by one of the funding agencies). The point of this is to make sure that we use grant money to pay only for work associated with a specific grant.

How does this affect you? Well, you can make sure that you accurately charge supplies to the correct grant when you are ordering stuff. But the main reason I'm sending this is to let you know that you should specify what account you would like to use to pay for your postage. If you are dropping off a letter to be mailed, please indicate what account you would like to use to pay for the letter. And when you give D something to be sent via Federal Express or UPS, please let him know what account you want to use.

I suppose I should add something weird here since folks expect zany e-mails from me. But I'm not going to do that. I'm much too mature for that. And Lord Zebox, the invisible dwarf king of the realm of Pillow Pants, has vowed to eat my soul if I try to send any zany e-mails anymore.

All hail Lord Zebox,
Dude

breezeway entrance problem

I'm sure some of you may be having problems getting into the Building door in the breezeway between Z and E. A new key reader was installed yesterday, but it's a little temperamental. So until the swipe card system gets activated, here's what you need to do to get into the building:

1. Hop up and down on one foot and spend an hour doing an impersonation of Mel from the '70s sitcom "Alice"
2. Try your key in the reader several times. There doesn't seem to be any specific technique that works. But if you try your key a couple of times, eventually the reader should work. It took me a few tries to get it to work, but eventually perseverance paid off.

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp: Thursday 4:30!]

Ah, Monday mornings! Nothing starts the work week out quite like sipping some coffee, forwarding a science e-mail, and trying to teach my head lice to perform "Cabaret." Now this is totally unofficial right now, but I'm try to negotiate with Liza Minelli to let me use some of her lice to perform on my scalp. She hasn't been working much lately, and you'd be surprised what she will agree to do for a half-eaten container of Cup o' Soup and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

coffee break

Hey, we're trying something new for coffee break today. We're going to slake our thirst on the blood of the innocent rather than have coffee and tea.

Actually, we're trying a new brand of coffee because it seemed like folks weren't going to town on the last brand we used. Please let us know if you dig this new coffee or if you'd rather sip the blood of the innocent. Coffee break will be at 3:30 today in the L Room.