reimbursement limits

The world is full of restrictions.  For example, I'm restricted from coming within 5 miles of my ex-girlfriend.  And all because the judge refused to believe that I wanted to give that ice pick to her as a GIFT.

But I digress.  I thought I'd remind everybody about the reimbursement limits for folks who take seminar speakers out to eat.  Here is the maximum amount the department reimburses for the following: 

pay advices

Howdy, y'all.   I just thought I'd tell you about a new way of doing things in the Department.  When shaving a yak, always wash the hair before you sprinkle it on your ice cream.

Also, from now on as a protective measure I won't be putting monthly employees' pay advices in their mailboxes.  So you'll have to come to the office starting Friday, March 31, to get your advices.

speaker logistics

So we've got a seminar speaker coming into town in April who will be staying Downtown and wants to come to the University by public transport.  Let's just say that this professor doesn't know the city or transit routes.  Let's also say that he'll be carrying a duffle bag filled with severed heads.  Not large heads.  Perhaps they belong to midgets or something.  The important thing here is not to dwell on the size of the heads.  We need to focus, dammit!  So can anybody suggest the best way for this professor and his bag of smallish heads to get to the University.

Speaker visit

Listen up, youse mugs.  If people don't sign up to meet with the speaker next Monday, Mugsy and Lefty are gonna have to pay youse a visit, see?  And you all know how clumsy Mugsy and Lefty are.  Things accidentally get broken.  People get hurt.  I think youse get my drift.

No Seminar Tomorrow

There will be no Seminar tomorrow. Instead I will present a demonstration on gerbil juggling. It has not been confirmed yet, but we're trying to get Richard Gere to catch the rodents as only he can.

elevator down

Elevator down! I repeat, elevator down! Dammit, we're not gonna lose this one, do you hear me?! We're not gonna lose this one!

Perhaps I'm being dramatic. Perhaps I'm being foolish. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten an entire box of Frosted Lucky Meth for breakfast. But the elevator is down. A repair dude will be coming out today.

Speaker

There are still a feces-load of slots open on the speaker's schedule next Monday. Well, there aren't that many open slots left. I just wanted to use the word feces in an e-mail. These are the openings left:

9-9:30 a.m.
9:30-10 a.m.
11:30-noon
1:30-2 p.m.

If you want to take one of these slots, that would be about as groovy as being able to use the word feces in an e-mail.

correction

Maybe it's the dyslexia. Or maybe it's the gallon of two-month-old milk I chugged for breakfast this morning. Whatever the cause, I had a typo in my last e-mail about the seminar. It actually will be on Jan. 30, and not on Jan. 39.

Lunch with Speaker

Well, the lunch menu survey was a tie, so that means I'm going to cast the deciding vote. And that's why I choose a bloated yak stuffed with lab mouse tumors. For desert, a simple goiter pudding topped with chest hair should do the trick.

Actually there were only a few votes, and pizza won out.

Fwd: Safety Training Announcement - Winter Quarter

Here's info on various safety training classes being offered this quarter. I would suggest you register on-line while putting a fork in an electric outlet, licking old asbestos pipe insulation, staring directly into the sun, setting up a dinner date with Robert Blake, giving yourself a mercury enema, and agreeing to donate both of your kidneys on a bet that Ryan Seacrest has an IQ higher than a bowl of wolverine saliva.