Global Env Wksp

Science Entities--

When winter refuses to release its icy hold on the city, I find there's only one way to keep my sanity: I make a tuxedo out of stem cells and then have Rush Limbaugh lick the entire outfit by telling him it's coated with Oxycontin.
I also keep my sanity by forwarding these global workshop e-mails to you.

Cheers,

Dude

Apologies

I would like to apologize for the last e-mail I sent. I have a feeling that some of you may not have appreciated it because the last global wksp e-mail I forwarded to you also had a reference to one of my grandparent's Depends. Such repetition is unacceptable, and I will make it up to you the only way I know how: by giving each and every one of you one of my grandparents' Depends. But then I will foresake Depends humor and will forever abandon such gross humor.

Aw, who am I kidding? Without Depends humor, I am NOTHING!

Dude

Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

Rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down. But so does dreaming about having a chocolate pudding fight with Heidi Klum and waking up elbow-deep in Gramma's Depends.

Hopefully this announcement will chase those rainy blues away. Though quite frankly I'd settle for a towel...

- Dude

Death Pond 3000

Greetings, Nature Lovers--

Just wanted to let you know that facilities will be coming out, hopefully today, to clean up the victims of the fish holocaust in B Pond. So hopefully the nasty, fish-corpse-induced stank will dissipate soon.

I'll be announcing the start of the departmental fish fry shortly. Who needs federal stimulus money when we can finance our science with our own fund raising efforts. The Departmental fish fry! Where the fish are lightly battered and slightly bloated!

Cheers,

Dude

Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

I love Monday morning. It's a time of new beginnings. A time to feel refreshed while diving into new challenges. And a time to use my sister's favorite ice cream scooper to empty out my grandfather's Depends. It's also time to forward e-mails to you, so enjoy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to whip up some special chocolate ice cream cones for my stupid sister...

Dude

Holiday Pot Luck is a go!

Greetings, holiday lovers--

So the Departmental Holiday Pot Luck party is a go. We are going to gather this Friday, Dec. 5, at 3:40 p.m. in the L Room (there is a class in the room until 3:30, so I figured we'd give folks time to clear out before we start setting up the vittles). I suppose it would be a good idea to both list some of the needs for the party since the department can't supply any money to get stuff. Things we need are:

Food (either entrees or side dishes)
Desserts
Fluids (wine, beer, soda, water, etc.)
Snacks
Plates, napkins, and utensils
Coolers

If you could e-mail me to let me know what you plan on bringing, that would be good so that we know everything is covered and so we don't have duplicate supplies. i will be bringing the following:

A dish of chick peas, feta, roasted red peppers and olives in a very garlic-y dressing and pita bread
18 beers (Becks, Stella Artois, and Peroni)
2 coolers
boom box and Christmas music
3 drunken elf hookers

I hope lots of folks can attend so that we can embrace the true meaning of the holiday. Not going into debt, but folks getting together and taking the time to share with each other.

Party on,

Dude

A different kind of holiday gathering

Ho ho ho, dudes--

When times were lean back when I was young, my parents would still find ways to celebrate the holidays. We would make each other gifts. We would decorate one of our trees outside. And we would feast on one of Grandma's numerous cysts while singing, "It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Cystmas."

Since times are lean here as well and the department won't be having our usual holiday party, I thought I'd check with folks to see if anyone would like to have some sort of pot luck gathering. I figure if folks are up for it, we can pick a day and time to gather in the L Room. Since there will be no funding for this event, it would be up to everyone to bring something to share. It could be a main course, a side dish, a dessert, or some sort of liquid (like wine, beer, or soda).
Please let me know if anyone would be interested in participating in this and, if so, what day and time would work best for everybody. It's sad that we won't be able to have our traditional party, but I think it would be nice if everybody could still get together to celebrate the holiday season as a group. I, of course, would be more than happy to whip up a batch of cyst pudding topped with whipped phlegm.

Party on,

Dude

Christmas gifts for cleaning folks

I love Christmas, for it is the only time of the year when I can break out my Malibu Barbie Manger. I would have followed that star across the desert, too, if I knew that the Magi were three hot chicks in bikinis. Even if the hot chicks had no joints, sported artificial hair, and were made in China. Though I would have been freaked out to look down at a crib of straw and see a baby Jesus that looks like a dwarf Ken.

Of course Christmas is also the time to thank our cleaning folks the old-fashioned way--with cold, hard cash. So I'm doing the annual collection of money to give to C, our always vigilant daytime cleaning lady, and J, our festive, nocturnal floor-cleaning guy. Please stop by my or Connie's office to drop off your donations if you are so inclined.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check out eBay to see if I can find a G.I. Joe Stations of the Cross set.

Ho ho ho,

Dude

Another Global Workshop email

To celebrate Election Day in the most patriotic way possible, I'm going to get a big bottle of ripple and a big tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, dress up my hand to look like Betsy Ross, and let my freak flag fly. I'm also going to forward this awesome e-mail about some sort of global workshop. Trust me, you'd be much better off checking out the forwarded e-mail than checking me out.

Dude

I'm baaack

Greetings all--

Well, I have returned from Florida. Things did not go as planned. I had hoped to find a geriatric sugar momma to take care of me, and I thought I had found a nice, kinky one. But when I told her I couldn't find a store that sold black leather Depends, she threw me to the curb. And broke her hip in the process.

Anywho, I'm back to work, so come on by if you need me to take care of any chores that have built up in the last week.

Sugarless,

Dude