Bathroom etiquette

I like to pride myself on good manners and proper hygiene. That's why I always make sure my head lice use deodorant and wear ties. Though you have no idea how hard it is to find roll-on deodorant small enough to fit under a louse's pits. Yet oddly enough I have no problem finding the tiny ties.

Anywho, there have been a few complaints about the first floor men's room. One complaint is that at least one person seems to be hosing himself down with water from the sink and leaving lots of water on the bathroom floor. As a courtesy to the other users--and in order to prevent somebody from wiping out on the wet floor--it would be groovy if folks could refrain from getting lots of water on the bathroom floor.

Perhaps more disturbing is that at least one person has been throwing used toilet paper in the garbage can in the stall instead of throwing the toilet paper in the toilet. While we had problems in the past with folks clogging up the toilet by throwing too much toilet paper in there, I think all of the users of the washroom would appreciate it if the nasty paper got flushed instead of being put on display. Though it could be that somebody is merely expressing themselves artistically by kicking it fecal Jackson Pollock-style.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to perfume my fleas...

Dude

I am Gonesville, daddy-o!

Howdy, gang--

Well, if it's almost the end of July, that can mean only one thing. General Mills is going to pay me handsomely to find an inexpensive way of creating crack-filled marshmallows to include in "Frosted Lucky Charms." I already have the commercial in my mind: "Green clovers, yellow moons, orange stars, and new blue crack pipes! Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically addictive!"

I will be working on this very special project while canoing through a canyon in southern Utah (I hope Mormons don't play the banjo), so I will be out of e-mail contact from this Saturday, July 26, through Sunday, Aug. 3. I won't be back to work until Monday, Aug. 4, so please let me know before this Friday if there's anything pressing that you need.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hunt down that speed freak leprechaun.

--Dude

Smoke in the building. Fire in the sky.

There are two possibilities. Either somebody's found a witch and has set her afire before she had the chance to turn us all into newts. Or else somebody is smoking in the Z Building. Quite frankly I'm rooting for the witch burning, because nowhere have I found a warning from the Surgeon General telling us that it's dangerous to inhale second-hand witch smoke.
Regardless, we received a complaint from someone who smelled cigarette smoke in the building. If someone has been smoking in the building, please be considerate of others and refrain from puffing indoors. While it's illegal to smoke cigarettes in a public building, I don't know if it's illegal to burn witches in a public building. But to play it safe, you may want to confine your witch burning to outside as well.

Thanks,

Dude

Good news for department folks

In these bleak times, I'm sure we're all sick of hearing about war, gas prices, the bad economy, and the horrifying reality that the guy who played Huggy Bear on "Starsky and Hutch" is not a rich man who would be able to lavish me with money and gifts if I became his concubine. So here's some great news:

After a long dry spell with receiving grants, we have had some recent success. Congratulations to J, C, M, J, and I for all getting new research support! Now if only there were some way to legally use grant money to support concubines...

Fellowships and dissertation grants

Howdy postdocs and students--

Two things have occurred to me. One is that I think I forgot to take the kittens out of the oven this morning. The other is that you may not know what to do if you are planning on submitting fellowship or dissertation improvement grant applications. We are working on a department handbook that will explain stuff like this, but the handbook may take some time to get out.

So for now I thought I'd let you know briefly what you need to do if you want to apply for a grant or fellowship............................. BLAH BLAH BLAH ........................................... If you have any questions about submitting applications, just let me know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to search the internet for some recipes for burnt kitten pie.

Dude

Fwd: Wksp, Tomorrow, 4:30!

Students--

I wanted to ask you something. Does this look infected?
Also, do you guys want to keep getting these workshop e-mails? I don't mind forwarding them to you, but I don't want to be sending you e-mails that are as bothersome as an oozing sore on my palm that looks sort of like a stigmata, providing a stigmata looks like a wound created by a very angry gerbil.
Dude

---

Wksp, Friday, noon!]

Howdy, students--

When it's a rainy, gloomy morning, I find the one thing that cheers me up is stringing piano wire neck-high along the jogging path on the lake front. As a wise man once said, when the wire connects, they'll wear their hats on their necks. The other thing that cheers me up is forwarding another workshop announcement. So enjoy the e-mail. And don't go jogging today.

Dude

Xerox machine

The xerox machine in the basement seems to be periodically making a grinding noise. At first I thought it may have been caused by all of those baby gerbils I stuffed in the toner cartridge. Anyway, don't be alarmed by the horrific noise. The machine is still working, though there are some streaks and smudges that appear on the copies. I have called Xerox to get a repair guy here, but he won't be able to make it until Monday.

Sorry for the inconvenience. And for the squeaking gerbils.

Dude

Fwd:Fwd: WKSHP

While I was on vacation, I thought alot about life. I thought that perhaps there is a god who created the universe and who created us in His likeness. Then I drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol and realized I was throwing up blood. It was then that I realized that if there were a god who created me in His likeness, then god is a dude who lives in a trailer and suffers from the DTs every morning.

God told me I should forward this e-mail to you. God also told me to buy more rubbing alcohol. Sweeeet!

Meet the new folks!

Who doesn't love to party? I know I do. Especially if the party involves rubbing alcohol, tainted yogurt, and a few shaved yaks dressed as Las Vegas show girls. We're having trouble rounding up the yaks, but I'm sure folks will still have fun if they attend a wee gathering this afternoon to meet new people in the department. We will be serving tasty fluids and snacks in the L Room today from 3 to 4:30 p.m.

This is going to be an occasional thing--probably once every quarter. Since it seems like we always have folks coming and going, we figured it would be nice to give everyone in the department a chance to meet the new people in our department and make them feel welcome. So please join us in greeting the new blood. And if you have a spare yak sitting around, please bring it with you.

Oh, some new people may be so new that they have not been put on the mailing list. So if you have any new people in your lab, please let them know about today's festivities.

Party on,

Dude
Administrator and Yak Afficianado