sweatshirt

If somebody left their blue sweatshirt in the conference room, it's now in the main office. It's pretty nondescript--just a dark blue sweatshirt with a severed goat head in it and the number of the beast written on it with blood.

dead fax

It is with much sadness that I must let you know that Rusty, our beloved fax machine, has passed away. We shall miss Rusty. Despite his drinking problem, and the crystal meth addiction, and his hatred for Canadians, he served us well. Long live Rusty!

We'll be getting a new fax machine to replace this piece of junk by 10 a.m. tomorrow, so you'll be able to fax stuff tomorrow. I'll send out an e-mail to let you know when faxing can start anew.

mystery shoes

There is a pair of Doc Martin shoes that has been sitting outside the main office since yesterday morning. We have no idea why they are there. They seem to be fairly new. The thing is, I can't control my desire to continually huff the things. If you somehow misplaced them, you can find the shoes outside the office.

I'm Gonesville, daddy-o

Some people tell me, "You need psychological help." Well, you can only punch so many people in the throat after they criticize you before you begin to take their words to heart. So I will be going to Florida for a week's worth of sunshine, warmth, and electroshock therapy. I'll be gone starting April 22 and I'll be back to work May 2. So next month when you see a dude drooling at the front desk like McMurphy at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," you'll know that I'm all better.

Speaker

There are still two open slots in the speaker's schedule for next Monday. The slots are 11 to 11:30 a.m. and 11:30 to noon. Even if just one of the slots gets filled, I will celebrate by wearing a lovely evening gown and doing the moon walk from here to the midway. In other words, it'll be just like any other work day for me.

Gimme your money!

Hey, it's getting close to Christmas-time, which means one thing. I'm ready to bake me a batch of my popular yuletide treat kitten pie. Also, it's time for you to donate some cash to give to our cleaning lady for Christmas. Stop on by the main office and give your dough to me. As usual we'll just give her a card with the cash in it so she can get whatever she wants.

Directories

Yes, the new university directories are out, which can mean only one thing: the police have finally found the bodies of those missing hitchhikers in my backyard. Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to mention that until the district attorney accepted my insanity plea.

No, what it really means is that we've got gobs of directories left, so if you want one, please stop into the office and I'll give you one. They're the perfect size for bludgeoning hitchhikers.

You shan't be printless any longer

That's right, people. Contain your glee. The new toner cartridge arrived, and I inserted it. It hurt when I sit down, though, so I then put the cartridge in the office printer. And now we're color printer-capable once again.

I'm free! Free, do you hear?!

Well, it's time for me to go on vacation again. And by vacation I mean hide from the police in the hopes my neighbor gets the blame for remains they found in my yard. Oh, sure. You can make flesh and entrail smoothies and drink them all day to hide most of the evidence. But bones don't fare so well in a blender. I guess it was a tactical error on my part. I figured, "Hey, who'd miss the daughters of a few U.S senators?" My bad.

Anyway, I'll be heading to Utah to party with the Osmonds from July 10 through the 18 and will return to work July 19. Unless the police catch me.

Vacation

I'm sure rumors have been going around that I'll be heading to Canada tomorrow to finish my sex change. Well it's just not true! I can't help it if I have an ample man bosom! In actuality I will be going to Florida, where you can see me twirling my tassels on the Tick Tock Lounge stage at 6, 8, and 10 p.m. (tips are appreciated). I'll be on vacation starting tomorrow, March 10, and I will return to work on Thursday, March 18.