Gimme the money and nobody gets hurt

Sorry to be a pest, but money has been trickling in for the janitor and the floor cleaning dude. I'd like to give them their moolah this Friday, so now is the time to really dole out the cash. More importantly, if you pony up some cash then I can stop acting like one of those strokes on the PBS fund drives.

It's time to collect money for the cleaning folks

Well, the Christmas season is here, which means it's time for one thing: spiking my family's egg nog with a harmless mega-dose of liquid LSD and donkey laxative.

But that's not all. it's also time to collect money for C our cleaning lady and for the floor cleaning dude whose name I still don't remember. I'd like to give C and Dude their cash-filled cards by Dec. 15, so please give what you can. You can give your donations to me. And even though donkey laxative is surprisingly expensive, you can rest assured that every penny of your donation will go to C and Dude.

fridge up for grabs

My grandfather used to say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't shave it, put it in a sun dress and flip flops, put lipstick on it, bring it to Christmas dinner, and trick your in-laws into thinking it's your wife while your wife is really at home waxing the kittens." But then we'd give Gramps his medication, and he wouldn't say that for a few days.

What does that have to do with the purpose of this e-mail? Nothing whatsoever. We have an old fridge in the basement of the Zoology Building (it's next to the ice machine) that we have to get rid of. Can anybody use it in their lab? If not, then it may make a good spare fridge for somebody's garage. If you'd like the fridge, please let me know as soon as possible so we can get that thing out of here. Of course I could always put a sun dress and flip flops on it since Christmas is just a few months away...

Speaker's schedule

There are still three open slots on the Speaker's schedule next Tuesday, Nov. 28. These slots are:

9:30 to 10 a.m.
10:30 to 11 a.m.
11 to 11:30 a.m.

Please to let me know if you'd like one of these very valuable slots. Otherwise I'm gonna put them on eBay and totally make enough money to retire early. And if I retire early, good luck finding another office toady who comes to work every day with squids in his pants.

Office closing early on Wednesday

In keeping with the rest of the BSD, the main office will be closing at 2 p.m. tomorrow, Wednesday. Tomorrow is pay day for biweekly employees, so please come to the office before 2 p.m. to get your checks.

I can't speak for the rest of the office staff, but I know I will be utilizing my time tomorrow preparing for Thanksgiving in a very traditional way, by juggling rabid wombats while singing the theme from "The Brady Bunch" in Sanskrit.

Party til you puke, holiday-style

At long last the details have been set for the E&E/OBA/CEB/BSD holiday party, so here's the deal. The party will take place from 7 to 10 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 6, in the Stanley Field Hall balcony of the Field Museum.

I'm sure you have many questions about the party, so here are some answers for you...

1. How will I get to the party?

Well, we will have shuttle buses running from the Hull Court Archway on 57th Street to the Field Museum and back again. The first bus leaves at 6:30 p.m., and the second bus will leave at 6:45 p.m. From that point on, buses will leave from the archway every half hour. However, if you would prefer to drive, the Field Museum parking garage will be open. It will cost you $15 to park, however. But fear not. The shuttle bus as well as the party are free.

You should enter the museum at the south main entrance. Museum staff will greet you and direct you to the festivities.

2. What will be served?

On the fluid front, there will be beer, wine, and soda. It hasn't been determined yet, but there may be hard liquor as well. As for food, I've attached a menu.

3. What will there be to do at this here event?

Besides eating, drinking, and being merry, you also will have access to the Evolving Planet exhibit if you feel like checking out that bad boy.

4. What do you have to do to get in on this event?

You do need to RSVP to me by the end of the day this Wednesday, Nov. 22.

5. What will Jeff be wearing to this event?

Just a reminder that Jeff, along with other folks in the department, will be attending the E&E Bulls game outing this night. So if you are going to attend the Bulls game, please do not RSVP for the party. But I will be wearing a blue chiffon evening dress, Ann Taylor shoes, and a sequined Go Bulls nerf glove.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Time cards due early

Thanksgiving means many things to me. A time to enjoy the company of family. The opportunity to give thanks for the many blessings in my life. And a chance to once again donate a turkey filled with thumbtack stuffing to the the Watkins Home for Blind Hemophiliacs.

But more importantly, it's a time for you to submit your time cards early since time cards will be distributed next Wednesday, Nov. 22. So here's what you have to do:

Speaker is lonely

The speaker's schedule is filled with more holes than Dick Cheney's hunting partner, and only you can help.  I'm still trying to make the schedule look respectable, which is why I need people to meet with him during the following times:
...

Lord knows I don't have much dignity, but don't let me lose any more (that's the job of my mother, who insists on making me shave her back hair whenever I visit her).  I'm begging you--please volunteer to meet with this dude of science.

smoking

There have been complaints that someone has been smoking in the fourth floor hallway. I know I'm not at fault because when I drag winos up there, I douse them with enough flammable substances so they burn clean.

If by some chance you are smoking inside the building, please go outside to light your squares. Because smoking inside is naughty and morally reprehensible. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to round up a few winos...

computer monitor in the basement hall

A computer monitor has been sitting on a fridge in the basement hallway for awhile, staring at me.  Taunting me!  With that stupid, cold, blank stare!  Damn that monitor!  Damn it to hell!

Anyway, just wondering if it's junk and can be thrown away or if somebody was just storing it there for some reason.