Speaker visit

Listen up, youse mugs.  If people don't sign up to meet with the speaker next Monday, Mugsy and Lefty are gonna have to pay youse a visit, see?  And you all know how clumsy Mugsy and Lefty are.  Things accidentally get broken.  People get hurt.  I think youse get my drift.

No Seminar Tomorrow

There will be no Seminar tomorrow. Instead I will present a demonstration on gerbil juggling. It has not been confirmed yet, but we're trying to get Richard Gere to catch the rodents as only he can.

elevator down

Elevator down! I repeat, elevator down! Dammit, we're not gonna lose this one, do you hear me?! We're not gonna lose this one!

Perhaps I'm being dramatic. Perhaps I'm being foolish. Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten an entire box of Frosted Lucky Meth for breakfast. But the elevator is down. A repair dude will be coming out today.

Speaker

There are still a feces-load of slots open on the speaker's schedule next Monday. Well, there aren't that many open slots left. I just wanted to use the word feces in an e-mail. These are the openings left:

9-9:30 a.m.
9:30-10 a.m.
11:30-noon
1:30-2 p.m.

If you want to take one of these slots, that would be about as groovy as being able to use the word feces in an e-mail.

correction

Maybe it's the dyslexia. Or maybe it's the gallon of two-month-old milk I chugged for breakfast this morning. Whatever the cause, I had a typo in my last e-mail about the seminar. It actually will be on Jan. 30, and not on Jan. 39.

Lunch with Speaker

Well, the lunch menu survey was a tie, so that means I'm going to cast the deciding vote. And that's why I choose a bloated yak stuffed with lab mouse tumors. For desert, a simple goiter pudding topped with chest hair should do the trick.

Actually there were only a few votes, and pizza won out.

Fwd: Safety Training Announcement - Winter Quarter

Here's info on various safety training classes being offered this quarter. I would suggest you register on-line while putting a fork in an electric outlet, licking old asbestos pipe insulation, staring directly into the sun, setting up a dinner date with Robert Blake, giving yourself a mercury enema, and agreeing to donate both of your kidneys on a bet that Ryan Seacrest has an IQ higher than a bowl of wolverine saliva.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

If I'm not in the office next Monday, Jan. 16, it won't be because I'm drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster. Oh, I'll definitely be drunk and passed out in a McDonald's dumpster, but the reason I won't be at work is because the University is officially closed Jan. 16 in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. This is the first year the University will be closing for this holiday.

Fwd: SUMMER TEACHING POSITIONS

If anybody is looking for some extra cash, there's an easier way to do it than how I do it. AND you won't have to spend hours and hours in the men's room at the Greyhound station. Check out the info below..

cleaning folk fund

Just a reminder that I'm still collecting money to start my own business marketing a product for people who are too poor to pay for flowers at a funeral called the Chia Casket.

I didn't mean to let that slip out. So instead let's just say I'm collecting money to give to our favorite cleaning lady C and the dude whose name I don't know who cleans the floors at night (henceforth simply referred to as "dude").