Depart-Mental Announcements

Liquid Nitrogen

2012-01-12T17:28:00.001-06:00

Good day to you, science entities--

Does anybody know if there's a place on campus to obtain smaller amounts of liquid nitrogen? If you could let me know where liquid nitrogen can be purchased, that would be awesome for everybody except the person who I plan to inject the liquid nitrogen into. At long last I will be able to inherit Uncle Filbert's ant farm!

Thanks,

Dude

Contract work

2011-12-29T10:02:00.001-06:00

Greetings, lab work dudes--

Occasionally labs may need to have work done that requires a contract ... and contracts need to be signed before any work is done. The school's new policy is that violators will have live cockroaches placed in their mouths and then have their lips sewn shut. I, for one, plan on violating the policy immediately!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Cheers,

Dude

Going cold turkey on Thanksgiving...

2011-11-18T13:05:00.000-06:00

Hola, dudes--

You're probably asking yourself, "Hey, Dude. What are you thankful for?" I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful that I've reached an age where I'm starting to sprout ear hair. I'm thankful that a flash mob hasn't Crazy Glued a set of fake udders to my stomach. I'm thankful that the FDA is finally considering adding fingernails as one of the basic food groups.

But mostly I am thankful that I'll get to avoid the reality of chilly weather by going south to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I'll be off starting next Wednesday, and I will be back to work on the next Wednesday.

Thankfully ending this e-mail,

Dude

Gone yet again

2011-07-07T13:03:00.000-05:00

Guten morgen, dudes--

At long last July is here, which can mean only one thing: it's palmetto bug hunting season! Sure, it's hard to actually afix the tag to the palmetto bug's leg after I have slain an insect. And it's even harder to find a taxidermist insane enough to mount a palmetto bug head on a little plaque. And it's even harder still to find a nail small enough to use to attach the palmetto bug head plaque on my den wall. But all of these hardships are worth it when I can appreciate my quarry, kill it, mount its head on my wall, and grill up some palmetto bug fillets for family and friends.

I will be traveling to Florida for my big hunt. If you have something pressing you need done before I go, please let me know as soon as you can.

Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wascally woaches,

Dude Fudd

Auf Widersehen, y'all

2011-06-13T13:15:00.001-05:00

Good day to you, beings--

I'm sure if any of you come to my office for business purposes from this Wednesday until next Tuesday, you'll probably think, "Oh, I bet Dude is hanging out with his mother." In actuality I will be under my desk, curled up in a fetal position, and crying because I was not selected to be the grand marshal for the Men Whose Baby Toes Are Bigger Than Their Big Toes Parade held every summer solstice on the grounds of the Wilkinson Nervous Hospital. Like I can help it that my middle toe is bigger than my big toe and baby toe combined!

Aloha, yo,

Dude

Workshop

2011-05-25T09:29:00.000-05:00

Hola, Studerinos--

With all of the horrible weather that's been hitting the Midwest lately, here is a very helpful tip: When you hear a tornado siren, more than likely it would be really easy to loot any nearby store. I like to think that the possibility of getting sucked away in a funnel cloud is worth the risk to steal a Twix and a 40-ouncer.

If the weather doesn't continue to look bleak today, you may want to attend the seminar in the attached announcement.

Pouring out some of my 40 for my fallen tornado victim homies,

Dude

Please Forward

2011-05-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

Buenos dias, lads and lasses--

Here's some notice for a symposium. Since they don't have mud wrestling at this thing, I didn't bother to actually read what it's all about.

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop

2011-05-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Studes--

Some people are bitter that it's so cold in mid-May, but not me. The cool weather gives me a few more opportunities to wear the special sweater my Aunt Bertha crocheted using live voles, fur that fell out as a result of animals getting chemotherapy, and orangutang areolas. Will I be styling? You better believe it!

You can always warm up by staying inside and attending this workshop on the environment.

Snuggly warm,

Dude

I'm tripping, dudes!

2011-04-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

Howdy, everybody--

Now that we are firmly entrenched in Spring, it's time for the inevitable: I will try to prove my theory that all of the foul lines in every professional baseball park are made with dandruff from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

It also means I will be heading to Florida to visit my mother. I will be leaving for Florida next Tuesday, and I will return to work the following Tuesday. So if you have any important business you'd like me to deal with, please let me know by next Monday.

Aloha,

Dude

Teaching assistantship available

2011-03-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

Studes--

Ah, the beginning of Spring. A time when a man's mind turns to thoughts of love. And me, I sure do love slathering myself with walrus fat while listening to a bootleg recording of Ethyl Merman belching "There's No Business Like Show Business." But what I don't love is when rats heed the siren's call of Ethyl Merman's voice and begin to gnaw away at my walrus-fat-encrusted flesh. I guess life is all about the give and take.

To celebrate Spring, perhaps you'll enjoy this TA announcement.

Enjoy,

Dude

Apply!

2011-03-09T10:25:00.000-06:00

What up, homies--

I'm forwarding this e-mail about a job opportunity for a non-profit organization because the people in charge of the non-profit organization have incriminating photos of me dressed as Lady Gaga dancing with the corpse of Bea Arthur. What makes the photo incriminating is that the color of my shoes completely clashes with the veal cutlet dress I'm wearing.

Cheers,

Dude

Panel Discussion

2011-02-15T08:44:00.001-06:00

Studes--

I know! I know! You're probably thinking, "If Dude is sending us an announcement about a discussion on urban food models, he's probably going to mention eating hobos." That couldn't be more untrue. I'm so focused on coming up with a new recipe for rat chili and crack ho gumbo that I haven't given hobos a second thought.

But if they do mention eating hobos at the panel discussion, please let me know.

Ciao (or I should say chow),

Dude

Special Lecture Thursday

2011-02-09T14:19:00.000-06:00

Greetings, Studes--

I don't know about you, but I find it appalling that now that we're sufficiently dug out from last week's blizzard that people suddenly find it's not okay to eat dead soccer players. People can be so uptight. But not those soccer players.

Since we're dug out from the blizzard, you can attend the lecture detailed in this message.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Workshop

2011-01-25T09:16:00.000-06:00

Hey, Studes--

Now that the Bears are out of the Superbowl picture, it's time to start focusing on something just as exciting: the beginning of the National Leper Hockey League season! Like me, I'm sure you're eager to see another face off at center ice.

But if that ain't your cup of tea, you can always go to this workshop instead.

Go Lepers!

Dude

Workshop

2010-11-30T10:10:00.001-06:00

Hey, Studes--

The first snow of the season is poised to hit us today, which can mean only one thing: frozen hobo slushies for everyone! Of course that's only if the flesh doesn't thaw when I dump the bodies in the wood chipper.

Unrelated to snow is the attached announcement for some sort of workshop. The first 20 attendees will get free hobo slushies.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Christmas moolah needed

2010-11-30T10:05:00.001-06:00

Holiday greetings, y'all--

Boy, can you believe it's almost December? That means one thing: my crazy uncle will probably get arrested again for stealing Salvation Army kettles in order to finance his addiction to platypus-skin ascots.

I guess it also means it's time to collect money to make the holidays a lot more enjoyable for ...

Ho ho ho,

Dude

Workshop

2010-11-23T11:17:00.001-06:00

Studes--

Thanksgiving always reminds me of those special things I experienced as a child. The aroma of the turkey cooking in the oven. Getting up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade on TV. And of course the blood. Dear god! So much blood!

To help clear your mind of any such memories, you can attend this workshop the day before Thanksgiving.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Workshop

2010-11-09T09:39:00.001-06:00

Studes--

Dang, can you believe that it's almost Thanksgiving? That means I'm really going to have to start preparing for the holiday right now if I'm going to find enough used heroin syringe needles to stuff my turkey. Of course I don't know why I even bother because I'm sure nobody will show up to dinner. Again.

But you can get some pre-holiday excitement going if you attend the workshop detailed in this forwarded e-mail.

Bon Apetit,

Chef Dude

Workshop

2010-10-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

Hi, Studes--

Do you know what I love most about attending science workshops? I'd have to say it's that moment right after I hand out the pork fat necklaces and right before I lock the doors and release the rabid pit bulls. Either that or it's the free bottled water.

Anyhow, you can find out what YOU love the most about attending science workshops if you go to the one in this forwarded e-mail.

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop

2010-10-23T11:59:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Studes--

When you see the attached e-mail with the name Brian Wilson in it, I'm sure you'll think of one thing: Why am I getting an e-mail from that weird guy who lances boils into ice cream cones? Man, you just need to let that whole ice cream cone thing go. After all, the driving creative force behind the Beach Boys forgave the boil lancer years ago. Anyway, whichever Brian Wilson you're thinking of, enjoy the e-mail...

Workshop

2010-10-19T11:37:00.000-05:00

Studes--

Well, it was a weird trip to Florida. I got a severe sunburn which led to the growth of a weird mole that looks exactly like an M.C. Escher illustration. This could cause a problem because I'm confident a dermatologist wouldn't know where the mole starts and where it ends. Yet I can't stop staring at it. Damn you, Escher mole!

But I digress. Here's another e-mail about an environment workshop.

Suffering from an eschernoma,

Dude

Hurricanes, here I come

2010-10-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

Greetings, y'all--

Well, October is here, which means one very important thing--it's time for my weird Uncle Ronnie to dress his scalp cysts in little Elvis Presley jumpsuit costumes for Halloween.

On a less important level, October is also going to bring my annual autumnal trip to Florida to visit my mother so she can yell at me about my hair length and question me about when I'm going to get married and give her grandchildren.

A hunk-a, hunk-a burning cyst,

Dude

U.S. mail delivery

2010-09-13T15:14:00.001-05:00

Good day to you, my mailing amigos--

Did you know it's illegal to ship a severed hobo head via U.S. mail? Yet oddly enough you can sew several severed hobo heads in the body cavity of a whole dead hobo, and that's okay. Go figure.

If you want to mail anything via U.S. mail, please keep in mind that the mail should be in the office by 3 p.m. if you want it to be dropped off in the mailbox that same day.

- Dude

Purchasing

2010-08-25T11:51:00.001-05:00

Good morning, consumers--

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with the purchasing system, it's that you can't use it to pay a dude to kill your brother-in-law because he borrowed your blender for 2 frickin' weeks and still hasn't returned it.

I've also learned that most folks still have not updated their profiles. If you aren't sure how to update the shipping address, please swing by my office and I'll hook you up. All it will cost you is a new blender. Or the name of a cheap hit man.

Cheers,

Dude

U.S. mail

2010-08-09T14:19:00.001-05:00

Greetings, y'all--

Did you know that you could fit a human being in one of the mailbox slots outside the office? But only if you use the puree button.

Some of you also may not know that you have a mailbox. Outside the main office is a series of mailboxes. Some of the boxes are pretty full, so it would be groovy if we could empty out the boxes to make room for more body parts, er, I mean mail.

Thanks,

Dude

Freedom!

2010-08-03T12:05:00.001-05:00

Hello again--

When summer is in full swing, sometimes I feel so happy that I start singing. But it turns out that the people in the nursing home don't like it when I creep up to their beds with a bullhorn and start belting out Sex Pistols tunes. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd think anybody hooked up to a dialysis machine would love to hear a live rendition of "Anarchy in the UK."

Also when summer is in full swing, I dig taking some time off. So I will be off all next week. I'll be returning to work on Monday, Aug. 9. So if you have any pressing issues, please let me know today if possible so I can take care of things before the end of the day tomorrow.

God save the queen, she's not a human bein',

Dude

cleaning concerns

2010-08-03T12:04:00.001-05:00

Greetings, haters of filth--

A clean building is very important for scientists. And the reason for that is because we want our rats, mice, and cockroaches to have pristine feet.

If you have any problems or concerns regarding the upkeep of the buildings, could you please let me know?

Thanks,

Dude

Final Workshop

2010-06-01T10:50:00.001-05:00

Studes--

As we approach the first holiday of the summer, we should not forget what's really important: pressuring the government to create a federal holiday honoring the guy who created the name Eggos for those delicious waffles!

I guess we also shouldn't forget the final workshop.

Ready for some syrup,

Dude

Workshop

2010-05-25T11:47:00.000-05:00

Studes--

Whenever it gets really hot outside, I like to remember when I was a child and my uncle would take me and my sisters to work with him. It was nice and cool there, and my uncle said we could eat whatever we wanted. I spent many a happy hour as a child in that morgue.

You may be able to stay cool if there is air conditioning wherever this global workshop is being held. Enjoy!

Dude

Env Studies Position

2010-05-19T17:12:00.000-05:00

Studes--

Sometimes I wake up at night screaming. Then I come to my senses and realize it's because I'm getting punched in the face by my neighbor while I'm standing in his kitchen. Luckily this forwarded e-mail isn't going to make me scream any time soon.

Enjoy,

Dude

Distinguished Lecture

2010-05-11T17:28:00.001-05:00

Studes--

Boy, this rain is really bringing me down. I need something to cheer me up. Perhaps going to the cemetery right before a funeral and standing next to an open grave with a napkin tied around my neck and a knife and a fork in each hand would perk me up. Or else I can glean some sort of satisfaction by sending you this announcement.

Bon apetit,

Dude

Green Conference

2010-04-21T09:37:00.000-05:00

I am sending this e-mail to encourage you to join me in my fight to get the Food and Drug Administration to declare nose hair as a new food group. I am also sending this e-mail to forward another one of those conferences to you.

Bon apetit,

- Dude

Workshop

2010-04-20T11:11:00.001-05:00

Studes--

The sunshine. The blooming flowers. The desire to skin a dead hobo and use the hide to make a pair of festive Cinco de Mayo lederhosen. These are all signs of the spring. Another sign of spring is this forwarded workshop e-mail.

Enjoy,

Dude

Disregard copier collating tip

2010-04-20T10:12:00.000-05:00

Hi, photocopying afficianados--

Please disregard my e-mail from last week explaining how to collate with the new copier in the basement. It seems the "expert" from the company doesn't even know how to operate his own machine. So if you try to make collated copies as he suggested, you'll still get two copies of each page come out one after the other. It's just that each set of the same page will be offset from the set of pages that print before that set. If and when Braniac lets us know how to collate correctly, I'll let you know.

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop on the Glbl Env

2010-04-06T14:29:00.000-05:00

Studes--

On rainy spring mornings, I like to sip apple cider while listening to classical music. Then I think of all the great things about life that I am grateful for. Then I shave my neighbor's dog and glue live mice to the pooch just to see if my neighbor notices. I'm guessing she doesn't notice since it is a seeing-eye dog.

Then I like to forward a workshop announcement to you. So my work here is done.

Party on,

Dude

Vacation correction

2010-04-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hello again--

I was so giddy thinking about Potsie eating rotting flesh that I goofed up the dates of my vacation. I will actually be leaving this Wednesday, and will return to work next Wednesday. Sorry for the confusion. But I'm not sorry for that damned Potsie!

Cheers,

Dude

He gone!

2010-04-05T10:12:00.001-05:00

Greetings, y'all--

What could be better than experiencing 80-degree weather in the beginning of April? For sure it would be burying Anson Williams--the guy who played Potsie on "Happy Days"--beneath a mound of festering, rotting Easter hams and watching him eat his way out. But what also would be good is going to Florida for a week, which is what I will be doing starting this Wednesday. I'll be returning to work next Wednesday. So if you have any pressing issues, please contact me today or tomorrow so I can try to take care of them before I leave.

Party on, rotting ham style,

Dude

Glbl Wkshp

2010-03-15T11:47:00.001-05:00

Studes--

It's Tuesday, which means I've come to work wearing my favorite pork loin pants. Oh, sure. The maggots do tickle a little bit, but at least that keeps my mind off the stray dogs that chased me to the bus stop this morning. And the homeless guy who was licking my pant legs. And the schizophrenic homeless guy who told started screaming that the maggots were telling him to kill.

Luckily I can keep my mind off my meat pants woes by forwarding this e-mail to you.

Feeling both hungry and repulsed,

- Dude

Global Env Wksp

2010-03-01T17:45:00.001-06:00

Studes (a.k.a. student dudes)--

With the start of another work week comes the responsibility of knowing that it is up to me to spend every waking moment striving to bring peace and love to the world. And if that doesn't work, then I can also fall back on my other responsibility, which involves sniffing model glue and imagining that Betty White is dressed like a Las Vegas showgirl with fishnet stockings on her walker.

But I digress. Here's another one of those Global Workshop e-mails.

Cheers,

Dude

Global Env Wksp

2010-02-27T08:49:00.001-06:00

Dudes--

If you're like me, you like to ease into the weekend by slipping into some comfortable clothes, cracking open a cold one, and crocheting ascots using your chest hair. It's a lesson I learned years ago from my grandmother, and it has served me well.

And also if you're like me, you like to forward Workshop announcements. Enjoy!

Hairless in Seattle,

Dude

Global Env. Wksp

2010-02-23T09:40:00.001-06:00

Greetings --

Maybe it's just me, but I think we need to support our own! So that's why I'm forwarding this workshop announcement for a talk being given by G. M. So attend this talk and show him your support! Also, bring pitchforks, torches, and bludgeoning tools so that you can attack G. if you disagree with anything he says. I don't think you'd be out of line to disembowel him even if he makes a grammatical error.

Realizing that rather than being a buddhist I'm a cold-blooded monster,

Dude

revised wksp schedule

2010-02-08T10:06:00.001-06:00

Entities--

Do you know what I love about Monday? It's a fresh start. The week is open to all possibilities for everyone. Well, everyone except that cheerleader I have tied up in my closet. And even then, I'll be giving her the weekly hosing down she gets every Monday. I just hope I don't get any water on my favorite t-shirts.

Anyway, Monday is also one of any number of days in which I get to forward you e-mails like this one about some sort of global workshop. Enjoy!

Cheers,

Dude

Workshop Schedule

2010-01-07T17:09:00.000-06:00

Howdy, students of science--

Whenever I'm in the midst of a snowstorm, I find the main thing that gives me the drive to face the wrath of winter is my never-ending desire to watch amoeba porn. Whenever I witness mitosis and that hot protzoan movement by protoplasmic flow, I am heated to the core. Hubba la hubba la hubski!

What else gives me the drive to face the wrath of winter is forwarding these e-mails to you. Hopefully you, too, will feel the warmth!

Cheers,

Dude

cleaning folks and their cash

2009-12-10T17:44:00.000-06:00

Hi diddly ho, neighbors--

We've been getting some good Christmas contributions for the cleaning folks, but alas we haven't hit the amount we usually give. So if there is anybody out there who hasn't donated, please swing by my office to cough up some money. If you want to cough up anything else, I can use it to make my traditional viscous nativity scene. I like to parade it around while singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethla-phlegm."

Thanks,

Dude

Projector

2009-12-08T15:11:00.000-06:00

LCD lovers--

The LCD projector has a new bulb and has been reinstalled. But since I was breast-fed by Timothy Leary in the '60s and can't always figure out what is real, I don't know if I hooked everything back up correctly. So if you have trouble with the projector, let me know so I can try out a few other combinations of wire connections.

Tuned in, turned on, and dropped out,

Dude

Holiday Party

2009-12-01T15:50:00.001-06:00

Greetings, holiday revelers--

Not to beat a dead lemur/lemming hybrid, but I thought I'd send out one final reminder about the Holiday Bash.

Also, you may have noticed a Christmas tree on the second floor of the building. We have a very meager amount of ornaments to put on the tree (we'll be putting the ornaments on tomorrow). So if you would like to donate an ornament, feel free to hang one from the tree whenever you want. I'll be hanging little buckets of kerosene on the tree while gnawing on the Christmas tree light wires, so feel free to hang tissue, old newspapers, or oily rags on the tree.

Ho ho ho,

Dude

Office closing

2009-11-25T09:13:00.000-06:00

Greetings, all--

Since we are like lemurs willing to walk over a cliff into the abyss, we will be following the lead of other departments on campus and will be closing the office today at 2 p.m. in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday. All university offices are closed tomorrow and Friday for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Everyone enjoy your holiday and give thanks the only way Americans know how, by stuffing our bellies to the point of bursting with the flesh of an ugly bird or an ugly non-flesh bird known as the tofurkey!

Party on,

- Dude

Give me your money

2009-11-24T09:54:00.001-06:00

Greetings--

With Christmas just around the corner, I remember all of the times my mother would take angel dust and fill our stockings with fire ants. God, I hated Christmas!

But that doesn't mean everybody should hate Christmas. Which is why I'm starting the collection of money for our cleaning lady and our floor dude. Anywho, please swing by my office if you would like to make the holidays a little more festive for them.

Still scarred from my stocking,

Dude

Ice Machine Scoop

2009-11-09T17:48:00.000-06:00

Let's face it. Nothing tastes quite as good as a rat hair snow cone. And since both rodents and the ice machine have been known to hang out in the basement area, it's only natural that folks would want to fuse these two items together. However, somebody has been leaving the ice scoop inside the ice machine. It winds up getting covered with ice, which makes it difficult to find and remove. If folks could leave the ice scoop on top of the ice machine after icing down their tufts of rat fur, all of the users of the machine would appreciate it. Providing you let them taste your rat hair snow cone.

Money

2009-11-02T17:37:00.001-06:00

Science lovers--

If you want money for your research and you don't want to get it like I get my spending money--you'd be surprised at how many 80-year-old women are looking for a male gigolo with a Depends fetish--then I'm thinking you might be applying for a ....(administrative stuff)

Please let me know if you have any questions,

Dude

a brief trip

2009-10-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

Well, the frost is on the pumpkin, which can mean only one thing. It's time for me to participate in the annual "Trying to Milk Animals that Don't Make Milk Competition" that is run by that weird dude Larry who wears an eye patch even though he doesn't need it. I have the unenviable task of trying to milk a rabid emu this year.
But I digress. I will be off tomorrow and next Monday. So if you need anything urgent, especially if it involves a rabid emu, then please see me today.

Showering you with the milk of emu kindness,

Dude

steam shutdown

2009-10-09T12:28:00.002-05:00

We have ourselves a steam leak in the Building, so M. is going to shut down the steam to the building tomorrow morning. The steam should be down from about 8:30 a.m. until 11 a.m. if all goes well. How does this impact you, the dweller in the Building? We will have no hot water and no heat (either from the radiators or the vents). So you may want to wear an extra layer tomorrow. Or, if you are a Star Wars geek, you can cut open the belly of a TaunTaun and crawl inside to stay warm...

storage bin

2009-10-09T12:28:00.001-05:00

My storage bin is more than just a container to hold things. My storage bin is my friend, my confidante, and, yes, my lover. If you would like a plastic storage tub, too, come on down to the office and take it. It's free!

Fall Schedule: Workshop on the Global Environment

2009-10-02T12:55:00.000-05:00

Dig this groovy workshop. You can have your kids make Nike shoes for a meager wage. Oh, wait. That's a sweatshop. Well, I guess this workshop might be fun, too...

Hello I must be going

2009-09-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well, autumn is approaching, which can mean only one thing. It's time for me to write the world's first belch opera. I have this totally wicked aria in mind that will require the consumption of at least 6 liters of Mountain Dew. It ain't over until the fat lady burps.

I will be writing my gaseous opera while visiting my mom in Florida. I will be on vacation starting Tuesday, Sept. 15, and I will return to work on Tuesday, Sept. 22. Please let me know if you have anything pressing that needs to be taken care of before I leave.

thanks,

Dude

Ice Machine

2009-09-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

Hi, everybody--

It looks like there won't be any snow cone making this morning in the main building. Not only have I run out of my favorite hobo-flavored syrup (I am currently trying to patent the extraction method once the murder charges are no longer pending), but the ice machine in the basement is not working. I think it's simply a matter of the opening where the ice comes out being frozen solid, so I have unplugged the machine to see if it will work once the opening thaws. If that doesn't work, we'll get a repair hobo out to fix the machine. I'll keep you posted...

Building stank

2009-08-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

Greetings --

If you smell something funky in the hallways, it's not something burning. Nor is it related to me eating 10 jalepeno cheeseburgers from White Castles (which is in itself a type of burning). It's merely the stench of glue from new tile being installed on the third floor. If the smell is getting to you, you may want to open a window.

Stenchily,

Dude

Fare thee well, Dan

2009-07-31T10:32:00.002-05:00

Greetings, Dept. entitities--

It looks like I get to be the bearer of bad/good news. I still have that weird infection, but I didn't get it from my goat. Also, I'm sorry to let you know that "Jon", our front desk dude, is leaving us. But the good news is that he is leaving us to take a job at another university in an environment more closely connected to his background in the arts.

While "Jon"'s last official day is next Friday, his final days working here will be tomorrow and next Monday. I'd like to thank "Jon" for all of the help he has provided the department for the last year and a half or so, and I wish him well in his new gig. Feel free to stop on by the office tomorrow or Monday to wish "Jon" a fond farewell.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get some more ointment...

Dude

e-mail scam warning

2009-06-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

Howdy, y'all--

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who got this, but I thought I'd give everybody the heads up not to open or respond to an e-mail if the subject line is "SAV Upgrade" and the sender is "ITS". I'm sure everyone is well aware of the fact that nobody here at the university will ask you for your user name or password, but just in case there are newcomers, do not e-mail anyone that information. Unless I ask you for your bank account or credit account numbers. Don't be alarmed if you see anything on your statements showing a charge for "The Marcel Marceaucial Club," the world's first and only mime adult phone line.

Cheers,

Dude

Chiller down! Call 911!

2009-06-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the cottonwood explosion, facilities is shutting down the building chiller to clean off all the funk. Because there's nothing worse than a funky chiller. Facilities estimates this should take an hour or so, so the chiller will be back up and running by 12:30.

Softball Beer

2009-06-05T08:59:00.001-05:00

Fellow Teammates--

Not only am I going to attend, but I will also supply the beer. However, I don't know if I would be the best person to actually get the beer to the field since I won't get there until about 5:15, and if I had to get my car, come back to the office for the cooler, ice, and beer, and then head to the field I probably wouldn't get there until 5:25-ish. If you guys can wait that long, I'll gladly bring the beer to the field. But if somebody is cool with transporting the beer to the field, I'll bring the beer into work, get it nice and cold in the fridge, and then hand the beer off to the designated cooler lugger. Let me know your preference.

Also, does anybody know any members of Lame Team #1? They walked off with my bat last week, so I'd like to find out where they're playing this week so I can show them what happens when a team walks off with the our magic bat. Basically what happens is that I will grovel and plead with them to give me the bat. If that doesn't work, I will personally tea bag each and every one of those bastards until the bat is mine!

Dude

Global Env Wksp

2009-06-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

Good morning, y'all--

I was asked to forward this e-mail. The subject line reminded me that I like to think globally but act locally. So in order to take over the world, I have to start by taking over locally. That is why I am brainwashing the ducklings in the pond. Mark my words! I WILL have those ducklings doing my evil bidding! Provided my evil bidding is limited to a small, aquatic area that flightless ducklings would have easy access to. Let my war of terror on the turtles in the pond begin! Those turtles are so going to be my bitches!

Evilly,

Dude

Global Env Wksp

2009-06-02T10:42:00.001-05:00

In honor of the day after Memorial Day, I am honoring our armed forces the only way I know how: by placing merkins with life-like hair on all of my G.I. Joe dolls and then forwarding this announcement to you. Semper fi, y'all!

Global Env Wksp

2009-03-31T14:16:00.001-05:00

Science Entities--

When winter refuses to release its icy hold on the city, I find there's only one way to keep my sanity: I make a tuxedo out of stem cells and then have Rush Limbaugh lick the entire outfit by telling him it's coated with Oxycontin.
I also keep my sanity by forwarding these global workshop e-mails to you.

Cheers,

Dude

Apologies

2009-03-10T11:54:00.001-05:00

I would like to apologize for the last e-mail I sent. I have a feeling that some of you may not have appreciated it because the last global wksp e-mail I forwarded to you also had a reference to one of my grandparent's Depends. Such repetition is unacceptable, and I will make it up to you the only way I know how: by giving each and every one of you one of my grandparents' Depends. But then I will foresake Depends humor and will forever abandon such gross humor.

Aw, who am I kidding? Without Depends humor, I am NOTHING!

Dude

Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

2009-03-10T11:52:00.001-05:00

Rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down. But so does dreaming about having a chocolate pudding fight with Heidi Klum and waking up elbow-deep in Gramma's Depends.

Hopefully this announcement will chase those rainy blues away. Though quite frankly I'd settle for a towel...

- Dude

Death Pond 3000

2009-03-06T10:32:00.002-06:00

Greetings, Nature Lovers--

Just wanted to let you know that facilities will be coming out, hopefully today, to clean up the victims of the fish holocaust in B Pond. So hopefully the nasty, fish-corpse-induced stank will dissipate soon.

I'll be announcing the start of the departmental fish fry shortly. Who needs federal stimulus money when we can finance our science with our own fund raising efforts. The Departmental fish fry! Where the fish are lightly battered and slightly bloated!

Cheers,

Dude

Global Env. Wksp, Wed. 4:30

2009-01-12T21:58:00.000-06:00

I love Monday morning. It's a time of new beginnings. A time to feel refreshed while diving into new challenges. And a time to use my sister's favorite ice cream scooper to empty out my grandfather's Depends. It's also time to forward e-mails to you, so enjoy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to whip up some special chocolate ice cream cones for my stupid sister...

Dude

Holiday Pot Luck is a go!

2008-12-03T12:15:00.000-06:00

Greetings, holiday lovers--

So the Departmental Holiday Pot Luck party is a go. We are going to gather this Friday, Dec. 5, at 3:40 p.m. in the L Room (there is a class in the room until 3:30, so I figured we'd give folks time to clear out before we start setting up the vittles). I suppose it would be a good idea to both list some of the needs for the party since the department can't supply any money to get stuff. Things we need are:

Food (either entrees or side dishes)
Desserts
Fluids (wine, beer, soda, water, etc.)
Snacks
Plates, napkins, and utensils
Coolers

If you could e-mail me to let me know what you plan on bringing, that would be good so that we know everything is covered and so we don't have duplicate supplies. i will be bringing the following:

A dish of chick peas, feta, roasted red peppers and olives in a very garlic-y dressing and pita bread
18 beers (Becks, Stella Artois, and Peroni)
2 coolers
boom box and Christmas music
3 drunken elf hookers

I hope lots of folks can attend so that we can embrace the true meaning of the holiday. Not going into debt, but folks getting together and taking the time to share with each other.

Party on,

Dude

A different kind of holiday gathering

2008-12-03T12:14:00.001-06:00

Ho ho ho, dudes--

When times were lean back when I was young, my parents would still find ways to celebrate the holidays. We would make each other gifts. We would decorate one of our trees outside. And we would feast on one of Grandma's numerous cysts while singing, "It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Cystmas."

Since times are lean here as well and the department won't be having our usual holiday party, I thought I'd check with folks to see if anyone would like to have some sort of pot luck gathering. I figure if folks are up for it, we can pick a day and time to gather in the L Room. Since there will be no funding for this event, it would be up to everyone to bring something to share. It could be a main course, a side dish, a dessert, or some sort of liquid (like wine, beer, or soda).
Please let me know if anyone would be interested in participating in this and, if so, what day and time would work best for everybody. It's sad that we won't be able to have our traditional party, but I think it would be nice if everybody could still get together to celebrate the holiday season as a group. I, of course, would be more than happy to whip up a batch of cyst pudding topped with whipped phlegm.

Party on,

Dude

Christmas gifts for cleaning folks

2008-11-19T18:43:00.000-06:00

I love Christmas, for it is the only time of the year when I can break out my Malibu Barbie Manger. I would have followed that star across the desert, too, if I knew that the Magi were three hot chicks in bikinis. Even if the hot chicks had no joints, sported artificial hair, and were made in China. Though I would have been freaked out to look down at a crib of straw and see a baby Jesus that looks like a dwarf Ken.

Of course Christmas is also the time to thank our cleaning folks the old-fashioned way--with cold, hard cash. So I'm doing the annual collection of money to give to C, our always vigilant daytime cleaning lady, and J, our festive, nocturnal floor-cleaning guy. Please stop by my or Connie's office to drop off your donations if you are so inclined.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check out eBay to see if I can find a G.I. Joe Stations of the Cross set.

Ho ho ho,

Dude

Another Global Workshop email

2008-11-04T11:57:00.000-06:00

To celebrate Election Day in the most patriotic way possible, I'm going to get a big bottle of ripple and a big tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, dress up my hand to look like Betsy Ross, and let my freak flag fly. I'm also going to forward this awesome e-mail about some sort of global workshop. Trust me, you'd be much better off checking out the forwarded e-mail than checking me out.

Dude

I'm baaack

2008-10-27T09:49:00.000-05:00

Greetings all--

Well, I have returned from Florida. Things did not go as planned. I had hoped to find a geriatric sugar momma to take care of me, and I thought I had found a nice, kinky one. But when I told her I couldn't find a store that sold black leather Depends, she threw me to the curb. And broke her hip in the process.

Anywho, I'm back to work, so come on by if you need me to take care of any chores that have built up in the last week.

Sugarless,

Dude

Temporarily blowing this popsickle stand

2008-10-08T17:03:00.001-05:00

Ah, autumn. It's one of my favorite seasons. And perhaps my favorite part of fall is walking around on a crisp day and smelling the soothing scent of burning leaves mixed with the aroma of roasting tumors that have been removed from my lungs as a result of breathing in so much burning leaf smoke. And you haven't tasted a slice of heaven until you've tried one of my tumor smores. Not to blow my own horn--which I can't do anymore because so much of my lungs has been surgically removed--but I don't know anybody who can melt tumors perfectly like I can. Delish!

Autumn is also the time when I visit my mom in Florida so I can hear her complain yet again about why I haven't given her any grandchildren. Which is a lie, because I've given her plenty of grandchildren. They just weren't MY children. A little candy and a rag-ful of ether is all you need to give your mom all of the young'uns she can handle. I will be away from work Oct. 17 and will return to work on Oct. 27. So if you have any pressing issues you would like me to address, please let me know as soon as you can.

Adios, dudes,

Dude

Fwd: Fwd: Wksp on the Global Env, Wednesday, 4:30

2008-10-07T13:03:00.000-05:00

At long last, here's an e-mail that answers the question, "Why was Dude hanging out in a school yard while wearing only a g-string made of live cockroaches?"

Okay, nothing can answer that question, except maybe my therapist. And the guy that sells me cockroaches. But you may find this e-mail of interest.

Dude

Bathroom etiquette

2008-08-28T15:46:00.001-05:00

I like to pride myself on good manners and proper hygiene. That's why I always make sure my head lice use deodorant and wear ties. Though you have no idea how hard it is to find roll-on deodorant small enough to fit under a louse's pits. Yet oddly enough I have no problem finding the tiny ties.

Anywho, there have been a few complaints about the first floor men's room. One complaint is that at least one person seems to be hosing himself down with water from the sink and leaving lots of water on the bathroom floor. As a courtesy to the other users--and in order to prevent somebody from wiping out on the wet floor--it would be groovy if folks could refrain from getting lots of water on the bathroom floor.

Perhaps more disturbing is that at least one person has been throwing used toilet paper in the garbage can in the stall instead of throwing the toilet paper in the toilet. While we had problems in the past with folks clogging up the toilet by throwing too much toilet paper in there, I think all of the users of the washroom would appreciate it if the nasty paper got flushed instead of being put on display. Though it could be that somebody is merely expressing themselves artistically by kicking it fecal Jackson Pollock-style.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to perfume my fleas...

Dude

I am Gonesville, daddy-o!

2008-07-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

Howdy, gang--

Well, if it's almost the end of July, that can mean only one thing. General Mills is going to pay me handsomely to find an inexpensive way of creating crack-filled marshmallows to include in "Frosted Lucky Charms." I already have the commercial in my mind: "Green clovers, yellow moons, orange stars, and new blue crack pipes! Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically addictive!"

I will be working on this very special project while canoing through a canyon in southern Utah (I hope Mormons don't play the banjo), so I will be out of e-mail contact from this Saturday, July 26, through Sunday, Aug. 3. I won't be back to work until Monday, Aug. 4, so please let me know before this Friday if there's anything pressing that you need.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hunt down that speed freak leprechaun.

--Dude

Smoke in the building. Fire in the sky.

2008-07-14T08:28:00.000-05:00

There are two possibilities. Either somebody's found a witch and has set her afire before she had the chance to turn us all into newts. Or else somebody is smoking in the Z Building. Quite frankly I'm rooting for the witch burning, because nowhere have I found a warning from the Surgeon General telling us that it's dangerous to inhale second-hand witch smoke.
Regardless, we received a complaint from someone who smelled cigarette smoke in the building. If someone has been smoking in the building, please be considerate of others and refrain from puffing indoors. While it's illegal to smoke cigarettes in a public building, I don't know if it's illegal to burn witches in a public building. But to play it safe, you may want to confine your witch burning to outside as well.

Thanks,

Dude

Good news for department folks

2008-06-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

In these bleak times, I'm sure we're all sick of hearing about war, gas prices, the bad economy, and the horrifying reality that the guy who played Huggy Bear on "Starsky and Hutch" is not a rich man who would be able to lavish me with money and gifts if I became his concubine. So here's some great news:

After a long dry spell with receiving grants, we have had some recent success. Congratulations to J, C, M, J, and I for all getting new research support! Now if only there were some way to legally use grant money to support concubines...

Fellowships and dissertation grants

2008-06-06T11:56:00.001-05:00

Howdy postdocs and students--

Two things have occurred to me. One is that I think I forgot to take the kittens out of the oven this morning. The other is that you may not know what to do if you are planning on submitting fellowship or dissertation improvement grant applications. We are working on a department handbook that will explain stuff like this, but the handbook may take some time to get out.

So for now I thought I'd let you know briefly what you need to do if you want to apply for a grant or fellowship............................. BLAH BLAH BLAH ........................................... If you have any questions about submitting applications, just let me know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to search the internet for some recipes for burnt kitten pie.

Dude

Fwd: Wksp, Tomorrow, 4:30!

2008-05-22T19:48:00.000-05:00

Students--

I wanted to ask you something. Does this look infected?
Also, do you guys want to keep getting these workshop e-mails? I don't mind forwarding them to you, but I don't want to be sending you e-mails that are as bothersome as an oozing sore on my palm that looks sort of like a stigmata, providing a stigmata looks like a wound created by a very angry gerbil.
Dude

Wksp, Friday, noon!]

2008-05-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

Howdy, students--

When it's a rainy, gloomy morning, I find the one thing that cheers me up is stringing piano wire neck-high along the jogging path on the lake front. As a wise man once said, when the wire connects, they'll wear their hats on their necks. The other thing that cheers me up is forwarding another workshop announcement. So enjoy the e-mail. And don't go jogging today.

Dude

Xerox machine

2008-04-25T18:31:00.000-05:00

The xerox machine in the basement seems to be periodically making a grinding noise. At first I thought it may have been caused by all of those baby gerbils I stuffed in the toner cartridge. Anyway, don't be alarmed by the horrific noise. The machine is still working, though there are some streaks and smudges that appear on the copies. I have called Xerox to get a repair guy here, but he won't be able to make it until Monday.

Sorry for the inconvenience. And for the squeaking gerbils.

Dude

Fwd:Fwd: WKSHP

2008-04-21T13:02:00.001-05:00

While I was on vacation, I thought alot about life. I thought that perhaps there is a god who created the universe and who created us in His likeness. Then I drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol and realized I was throwing up blood. It was then that I realized that if there were a god who created me in His likeness, then god is a dude who lives in a trailer and suffers from the DTs every morning.

God told me I should forward this e-mail to you. God also told me to buy more rubbing alcohol. Sweeeet!

Meet the new folks!

2008-03-14T09:39:00.001-05:00

Who doesn't love to party? I know I do. Especially if the party involves rubbing alcohol, tainted yogurt, and a few shaved yaks dressed as Las Vegas show girls. We're having trouble rounding up the yaks, but I'm sure folks will still have fun if they attend a wee gathering this afternoon to meet new people in the department. We will be serving tasty fluids and snacks in the L Room today from 3 to 4:30 p.m.

This is going to be an occasional thing--probably once every quarter. Since it seems like we always have folks coming and going, we figured it would be nice to give everyone in the department a chance to meet the new people in our department and make them feel welcome. So please join us in greeting the new blood. And if you have a spare yak sitting around, please bring it with you.

Oh, some new people may be so new that they have not been put on the mailing list. So if you have any new people in your lab, please let them know about today's festivities.

Party on,

Dude
Administrator and Yak Afficianado

Gotta get it out

2008-03-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

If I wanted to get into the Z Building after 4:30 p.m., what would I do? I would try something subtle like wrapping my dwarf in heavy chains and throwing him through a window. But if you don't have a dwarf or any heavy chains, then you should use your key to enter the south door (the one in the breezeway between Z and E).

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday, 4:30!]

2008-02-28T13:13:00.000-06:00

I bet you're asking yourself, "Hey, when is Dude going to forward another Workshop e-mail to me?" If it's any consolation, the question I'm asking myself is, "How many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a hobo? I know! I'll ask Mr. Owl! And if he doesn't know the answer, so help me I will bitch slap that dumb beak right off his face!"

paying for mail

2008-02-27T18:08:00.000-06:00

Greetings, people of science--

So the comptroller's office has been urging all of the departments on campus to make sure costs for grants are allocated correctly (so that we don't get in big trouble if there's ever an audit by one of the funding agencies). The point of this is to make sure that we use grant money to pay only for work associated with a specific grant.

How does this affect you? Well, you can make sure that you accurately charge supplies to the correct grant when you are ordering stuff. But the main reason I'm sending this is to let you know that you should specify what account you would like to use to pay for your postage. If you are dropping off a letter to be mailed, please indicate what account you would like to use to pay for the letter. And when you give D something to be sent via Federal Express or UPS, please let him know what account you want to use.

I suppose I should add something weird here since folks expect zany e-mails from me. But I'm not going to do that. I'm much too mature for that. And Lord Zebox, the invisible dwarf king of the realm of Pillow Pants, has vowed to eat my soul if I try to send any zany e-mails anymore.

All hail Lord Zebox,
Dude

breezeway entrance problem

2008-02-26T22:03:00.000-06:00

I'm sure some of you may be having problems getting into the Building door in the breezeway between Z and E. A new key reader was installed yesterday, but it's a little temperamental. So until the swipe card system gets activated, here's what you need to do to get into the building:

1. Hop up and down on one foot and spend an hour doing an impersonation of Mel from the '70s sitcom "Alice"
2. Try your key in the reader several times. There doesn't seem to be any specific technique that works. But if you try your key a couple of times, eventually the reader should work. It took me a few tries to get it to work, but eventually perseverance paid off.

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp: Thursday 4:30!]

2008-02-25T08:53:00.000-06:00

Ah, Monday mornings! Nothing starts the work week out quite like sipping some coffee, forwarding a science e-mail, and trying to teach my head lice to perform "Cabaret." Now this is totally unofficial right now, but I'm try to negotiate with Liza Minelli to let me use some of her lice to perform on my scalp. She hasn't been working much lately, and you'd be surprised what she will agree to do for a half-eaten container of Cup o' Soup and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

coffee break

2008-02-11T08:44:00.000-06:00

Hey, we're trying something new for coffee break today. We're going to slake our thirst on the blood of the innocent rather than have coffee and tea.

Actually, we're trying a new brand of coffee because it seemed like folks weren't going to town on the last brand we used. Please let us know if you dig this new coffee or if you'd rather sip the blood of the innocent. Coffee break will be at 3:30 today in the L Room.

Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30

2008-01-23T13:56:00.000-06:00

Whenever I'm asked to forward these e-mails to you, it reminds me of when I was young and my mother used to say, "If I knew who your father was, I'd have him tie you up in a sack and push you in the river. Now get me my bottle of diet pills and that bottle of peppermint schnapps!"

[Fwd: Fwd: Thursday, 4:30]

2008-01-17T08:04:00.002-06:00

This is getting ridiculous now. If I'm gonna keep forwarding these messages, I better be getting something out of the deal. Besides these crazy Nicole Ritchie inflatable dolls they keep sending me. Every time I put my finger in the mouth hole, the doll throws up.

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp ]

2008-01-17T08:04:00.001-06:00

Again I am asked to forward a message to you. This is the sort of thing that made my dad shave his head, carve a swastika in his forehead, and start his own catering company called "I Was Only Following Hors d'oeuvres."

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp, Thursday 4:30]

2008-01-14T17:15:00.000-06:00

I was told that if I forwarded this all departmental students, I would be rewarded with world peace. Well, that and a nude photo of Bea Arthur feeding a bear with a salmon dangling from her mouth.

Dude

[Fwd: Fwd: Wksp Tomorrow!]

2008-01-08T13:24:00.001-06:00

Dudes--

Some lunatic told me that if I didn't forward this e-mail to you, he would grill up my St. Bernard and feed it to Rosie O'Donnell. Which I thought was very nice because Rosie usually eats dogs raw.

Xerox machine

2008-01-07T15:19:00.001-06:00

Are you looking for the Xerox machine upstairs? Answer me! Are you?! Don't look away! It's nothing to be ashamed of. At some point in every person's life, they seek the comfort, warmth, and toxic toner fumes of a good copier. So if you'd like to use the upstairs copier, it's now right in the main office instead of down the hall outside my door. This makes things easier for you, but now I have to huff my own toner cartridge in order to get my lungs and brain to bleed in that special way that makes the lights dim and my mouth foam.

[Fwd: Fwd: Workshop]

2008-01-04T10:32:00.000-06:00

What's up, home slices? I'll tell you what's up. This random announcement I was asked to distribute to you all. What's also up is my body temperature after I started a nice, warming fire by igniting a pile of hobos. Life is good!

Dude

It's all me

2008-01-01T14:10:00.000-06:00

Howdy, y'all! Thanks to a combination of scheduled days off and sickness, it looks like nobody else is going to be in the office but me today. So don't panic if you come in the office and don't see anybody there. Just come on down to my office if you need any help.

Since I'm the only one here, do not question my authority! I am the law here! The floggings will continue until morale improves! Actually, since I'm the only one here today, there will be a few times when I'll have to close down the office. I'll be heading out for checks around 9 a.m., so the office will be closed for about 15 minutes. I also have a very important meeting at 10 a.m., so I 'll probably be gone for about 20-25 minutes or so. And at some point in the afternoon I'll have to drop off the mail, so I'll be gone about 15 minutes for that, too. But otherwise I'll be here until at least 5:30 tonight. So party on!

Dude

final call for cleaning folk cash

2008-01-01T14:09:00.000-06:00

I'd like to give Cand J their Christmas loot tomorrow, so this is your last chance to donate some cash. So far we have collected $441 for C and $241 for J. We usually give C around $500 each year, so we're pretty close to that goal. If we hit it, I'm going to do my Jerry Lewis impersonation and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone." Then I'm going to be rude and overbearing while making silly noises as a cigarette dangles from my upper lip. Which is pretty much how I act after having a few too many cocktails.